The hyenas got another one.
They sent it in claiming something innocuous - no speaker sound, I think it was.
This is the note I ended up logging for it, along with the status 'BER - unauthorized rework':
The front assembly has a label from Syriatell, Dubai. Two screws missing, one incorrect screw used, and two screws at wrong torque inside the phone. The part holding the sensor in place is missing. There is minor damage to the coaxial cable. The phone is out of warranty.
Genuine Evil Empire parts do not come from Dubai. And they are not made by Syriatell.
This phone has three types of screws. They are all totally different sizes. And shapes. And colours. Putting a skinny black screw where a short, fat silver screw is meant to go is... obvious.
(Also, the screws do quadruple-service: hold things together, hold things at the right distances for electrical connections, complete the RF shielding, make the phone as watertight as reasonably possible, and sometimes act as metal electrical conduits. Wrong or missing screws... do not do these things.)
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Just Can't Win
The fault description, summarized, says: the phone has been away twice, they have a replacement IMEI, the phone hasn't left the store, it's still faulty, there's a warning next to the battery and it's not charging, the old IMEI is 1234
What is an IMEI, you might wonder, and why did I bang my head on my desk when I read that ticket?
The International Mobile Station Equipment Identity, or IMEI, is a unique number written into the main board of each phone and written on a sticker placed on each phone. This number is used to identify the device by mobile networks. If your phone is refurbished, if you change networks, if you change sim cards, the IMEI remains the same. If we replace your main board, which is the closest we come to replacing a phone, the new board is written with your old IMEI, and your old IMEI sticker is placed on it.
For all practical purposes, the only way an IMEI is different is if the phone is a different one.
Now look at that fault description again.
So, I pop open the repair history. The phone was repaired; a few months later it was sent back, and logged as No Fault Found. Right after that, the network provider gave the customer a swap - 'Dealer exchanged' the note says.
And then a week later, the customer sent their new, exchanged phone in saying it was 'still not fixed'.
This is why it never pays to give the customer what they want.
What is an IMEI, you might wonder, and why did I bang my head on my desk when I read that ticket?
The International Mobile Station Equipment Identity, or IMEI, is a unique number written into the main board of each phone and written on a sticker placed on each phone. This number is used to identify the device by mobile networks. If your phone is refurbished, if you change networks, if you change sim cards, the IMEI remains the same. If we replace your main board, which is the closest we come to replacing a phone, the new board is written with your old IMEI, and your old IMEI sticker is placed on it.
For all practical purposes, the only way an IMEI is different is if the phone is a different one.
Now look at that fault description again.
So, I pop open the repair history. The phone was repaired; a few months later it was sent back, and logged as No Fault Found. Right after that, the network provider gave the customer a swap - 'Dealer exchanged' the note says.
And then a week later, the customer sent their new, exchanged phone in saying it was 'still not fixed'.
This is why it never pays to give the customer what they want.
Quickies
Fault Description: takes too long to charge
Ooooookay.
(From Tomasz)
Fault Description: DEATH SYNDROME BUG?
WHAT THE FUCK?
Ooooookay.
(From Tomasz)
Fault Description: DEATH SYNDROME BUG?
WHAT THE FUCK?
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
The Customer Is Always...
I like to help.
Today someone put in the fault description that their phone seemed 'unstable' and if it couldn't be repaired, they want a NEW phone replacement and not a refurbished one.
They got exactly what they asked for! Their phone can't be repaired and they can have their choice of brand new phones!
...it's BER, liquid damage. They can have anything they want to buy.
Helping feels good!
Today someone put in the fault description that their phone seemed 'unstable' and if it couldn't be repaired, they want a NEW phone replacement and not a refurbished one.
They got exactly what they asked for! Their phone can't be repaired and they can have their choice of brand new phones!
...it's BER, liquid damage. They can have anything they want to buy.
Helping feels good!
SNAFU
Some days, I should get combat pay.
My last phone of the day, it's been quoted and paid, I'm to do an out of warranty repair. Easy, right?
They quoted for a new usb jack. The usb jack just has a bit of paper in it. But the phone won't power on properly...
After doing a fabulous little dance that ended up involving two level 3 techs, the line manager, and the technical manager, the phone got sent to level 3 with a note DO repair the IC driver fault, do NOT replace the usb jack, DO order a usb jack and deliver to the line manager, do the hokey pokey...
The phone's still OOW 'cause they've cracked the front case and stuff, so we're finangling: they paid for a usb jack, they will see a usb jack listed, we will not charge for the IC driver repair, it all kind of sort of works. Ish.
Anything to avoid having to try to explain the whole thing to an end user, who may or may not know what a usb jack is, nevermind an IC driver.
My last phone of the day, it's been quoted and paid, I'm to do an out of warranty repair. Easy, right?
They quoted for a new usb jack. The usb jack just has a bit of paper in it. But the phone won't power on properly...
After doing a fabulous little dance that ended up involving two level 3 techs, the line manager, and the technical manager, the phone got sent to level 3 with a note DO repair the IC driver fault, do NOT replace the usb jack, DO order a usb jack and deliver to the line manager, do the hokey pokey...
The phone's still OOW 'cause they've cracked the front case and stuff, so we're finangling: they paid for a usb jack, they will see a usb jack listed, we will not charge for the IC driver repair, it all kind of sort of works. Ish.
Anything to avoid having to try to explain the whole thing to an end user, who may or may not know what a usb jack is, nevermind an IC driver.
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
Head. Desk.
Fault: "the phone will not turn on and displays a message 0 percent battery"
Your words, do you even see them?
Fault: "Handset randomly powers off. usually happens when the handset has been loaded with a few apps. some days it happens multiple times and other days not at all. hard reset fixes it temporarily but re occurs once apps are loaded."
...don't load them.
We don't support them.
Also, the apps I found on your phone were all free games. Or malware pretending to be free games. Whichever.
Fault: "software problem not fucntion properly"
You don't know your software from a hole in the ground, so no. This will not fly. You will be hearing from our No Fault Found phone flying monkeys shortly.
Your words, do you even see them?
Fault: "Handset randomly powers off. usually happens when the handset has been loaded with a few apps. some days it happens multiple times and other days not at all. hard reset fixes it temporarily but re occurs once apps are loaded."
...don't load them.
We don't support them.
Also, the apps I found on your phone were all free games. Or malware pretending to be free games. Whichever.
Fault: "software problem not fucntion properly"
You don't know your software from a hole in the ground, so no. This will not fly. You will be hearing from our No Fault Found phone flying monkeys shortly.
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Bad, Bad, Bad
The fault: the signal has been very bad since the phone was repaired for a power problem.
I check the phone; there's no to low signal. The RF connector, which is a little metal dohickey stuck on the back of the phone which you can plug stuff onto, is badly damaged.
I check the repair history.
The phone was in in January.
I'm expected to believe that the customer wasn't worried that they had no signal for 11 months, on a phone that somehow has a common form of customer-caused damage? Pull the other one, dude.
The fault: 'touchscreen crashing'.
I don't even. What the? I'm trying to guess what the phone, the touchscreen, or the customer are actually doing, and I got nothing.
The fault: same problem as last time, please exchange
1. A giant crack in the touchscreen is not the same fault as liquid damage on your charging port.
2. Every time a phone is exchanged, a network or brand accountant keels over and dies. Just dies.
3. You do have a point though - I think the underlying problem is the same.
Fault description: Software issue.
I KILL YOU. I KILL YOU DEAD.
Software is clearly ruled out, as it's never software when the customer says it is, but it could be anything else from a faulty wifi to a full moon. Sent it NFF with the most unsnarky note I could manage (borderline).
I check the phone; there's no to low signal. The RF connector, which is a little metal dohickey stuck on the back of the phone which you can plug stuff onto, is badly damaged.
I check the repair history.
The phone was in in January.
I'm expected to believe that the customer wasn't worried that they had no signal for 11 months, on a phone that somehow has a common form of customer-caused damage? Pull the other one, dude.
The fault: 'touchscreen crashing'.
I don't even. What the? I'm trying to guess what the phone, the touchscreen, or the customer are actually doing, and I got nothing.
The fault: same problem as last time, please exchange
1. A giant crack in the touchscreen is not the same fault as liquid damage on your charging port.
2. Every time a phone is exchanged, a network or brand accountant keels over and dies. Just dies.
3. You do have a point though - I think the underlying problem is the same.
Fault description: Software issue.
I KILL YOU. I KILL YOU DEAD.
Software is clearly ruled out, as it's never software when the customer says it is, but it could be anything else from a faulty wifi to a full moon. Sent it NFF with the most unsnarky note I could manage (borderline).
The Other Kind of Phone Thief
"Celka!" calls out Daniel, our technical manager, which usually means he's found a screwup somewhere; he's at his desk, with Tomasz hovering over him.
"I didn't do it. What'd I do?" I say, moseying the five or six feet over there pronto.
"Tomasz stole your phone!" Daniel declares gleefully, and I see the screen. Logged as NFF by Celka, allocated to Tomasz, logged as NFF by Tomasz. "Wha?", says I.
"He took your phone and logged it!" Daniel razzes Tomasz, who is the picture of rueful chagrin - not so much over the phone as over knowing he's going to hear about this oops all day. "Very clever! This is how he makes his productivity! Now he should give you a phone. No, no, he should repair three phones and give them to you! Maybe he should repair phones for you all day!"
By this point, caught up, I am laughing, but that part gets my attention; "I have go to put my phones on everyone else's benches!" I declare. "When they all get punished, I'll have a week of holiday!"
But Daniel is on a roll; marching over to the workbenches, gesturing expansively, he warns everyone "Look out for Mr. Tomasz, here! He will steal your phones! Mr. Tomasz is a cheeky bastard!"
Mr. Tomasz slinks back to his workbench, but as the poor guy's beside me, he's still got to deal with my giggles until I get them under control again.
"I didn't do it. What'd I do?" I say, moseying the five or six feet over there pronto.
"Tomasz stole your phone!" Daniel declares gleefully, and I see the screen. Logged as NFF by Celka, allocated to Tomasz, logged as NFF by Tomasz. "Wha?", says I.
"He took your phone and logged it!" Daniel razzes Tomasz, who is the picture of rueful chagrin - not so much over the phone as over knowing he's going to hear about this oops all day. "Very clever! This is how he makes his productivity! Now he should give you a phone. No, no, he should repair three phones and give them to you! Maybe he should repair phones for you all day!"
By this point, caught up, I am laughing, but that part gets my attention; "I have go to put my phones on everyone else's benches!" I declare. "When they all get punished, I'll have a week of holiday!"
But Daniel is on a roll; marching over to the workbenches, gesturing expansively, he warns everyone "Look out for Mr. Tomasz, here! He will steal your phones! Mr. Tomasz is a cheeky bastard!"
Mr. Tomasz slinks back to his workbench, but as the poor guy's beside me, he's still got to deal with my giggles until I get them under control again.
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
The Problem Is Not the Phone
For some reason, they always come in batches. Maybe it's the full moon?
"WHEN CUSTOMER PRINTS PHOTOS IT DOES NOT COME OUT CLEAR"
... so you sent your phone in. Unfortunately, I can't order the item that would fix this situation (either a new printer or a brain), so I just logged the phone as no fault found.
"switches off when calling. screen freezes on daily basis. had sent off before for same faults but not fixed."
Now, this one sounds very reasonable, doesn't it? Sure, that last part is kinda... ominous, but gosh, doesn't it sound like this is a broken phone?
Ah. But I have a 'repair history' tab, and as a special treat, I now have access to the ticket MANAGEMENT window. I see all, I know all.
For example, I know that this phone was logged as No Fault Found a month ago, and then exchanged by O2 anyway a few days later.
And you sent it back saying 'not fixed'.
There is no way that this is going to end well. Time spent thoroughly checking phone: 5 minutes. Time spent carefully typing up detailed cover-my-arse notes: 10 minutes. Result: no fault found.
"the phone won't hold the charge, also the background of screen is like a snowing flake background."
I had to show this ticket to the guy sitting next to me, Tomasz. He didn't miss a beat. "It's Christmas. It's normal."
I turned on the phone enthusiastically, because this I had to see! And it did look pretty cool, all the little dots of obvious liquid damage on the LCD...
I couldn't resist, I showed it to Daniel, our technical manager. He said it looked like liquid damage, too. Well, okay, he said 'Oh bloody hell', but I'm assuming that's what he meant.
Then I opened the phone. Oh bloody hell! A mass of corrosion and rust. I am deeply impressed that this phone actually turned on and, to some extent, functioned. I am so impressed that I mention this to the BER officer; "This phone works! No fault found, right?" "Sure!" he enthused, laughing while he authorized the phone as an official paperweight. "Just mark that everything's okay!"
"WHEN CUSTOMER PRINTS PHOTOS IT DOES NOT COME OUT CLEAR"
... so you sent your phone in. Unfortunately, I can't order the item that would fix this situation (either a new printer or a brain), so I just logged the phone as no fault found.
"switches off when calling. screen freezes on daily basis. had sent off before for same faults but not fixed."
Now, this one sounds very reasonable, doesn't it? Sure, that last part is kinda... ominous, but gosh, doesn't it sound like this is a broken phone?
Ah. But I have a 'repair history' tab, and as a special treat, I now have access to the ticket MANAGEMENT window. I see all, I know all.
For example, I know that this phone was logged as No Fault Found a month ago, and then exchanged by O2 anyway a few days later.
And you sent it back saying 'not fixed'.
There is no way that this is going to end well. Time spent thoroughly checking phone: 5 minutes. Time spent carefully typing up detailed cover-my-arse notes: 10 minutes. Result: no fault found.
"the phone won't hold the charge, also the background of screen is like a snowing flake background."
I had to show this ticket to the guy sitting next to me, Tomasz. He didn't miss a beat. "It's Christmas. It's normal."
I turned on the phone enthusiastically, because this I had to see! And it did look pretty cool, all the little dots of obvious liquid damage on the LCD...
I couldn't resist, I showed it to Daniel, our technical manager. He said it looked like liquid damage, too. Well, okay, he said 'Oh bloody hell', but I'm assuming that's what he meant.
Then I opened the phone. Oh bloody hell! A mass of corrosion and rust. I am deeply impressed that this phone actually turned on and, to some extent, functioned. I am so impressed that I mention this to the BER officer; "This phone works! No fault found, right?" "Sure!" he enthused, laughing while he authorized the phone as an official paperweight. "Just mark that everything's okay!"
Monday, 19 November 2012
Og Fix Phone
Ahh, Monday morning. Will the first phone set the tone for the week?
Hope not.
When I looked at this phone, I pretty much instantly realized the full tale, but let me unfold it for you as it occurred:
Someone smashed their touchscreen. They then sent their phone in as a warranty repair. We said 'lol no warranty', and offered them a quote to fix it. They refused the quote, and got the phone back as-is.
They then went to the zoo, where they asked the hyenas for a cheaper repair. (I assume, based on what I saw). Then, happy in the knowledge that no one would ever guess how sneaky they were, they sent the phone back to us for repair with its unbroken touchscreen. Surely now it will be in warranty!
I then receive a phone with the problem 'touchscreen not working', in the following state: the touchscreen is working (a minor miracle). The inside of the touchscreen is a mess of smudges, glue, and clearly defined fingerprints. One screw is missing from the back. The volume key has been torn off.
"You get what you pay for," we say. "Here is our quote. Again."
As far as the Evil Empire is concerned, at this point we have permission to shoot you, so good luck. It's us or the hyenas again.
Hope not.
When I looked at this phone, I pretty much instantly realized the full tale, but let me unfold it for you as it occurred:
Someone smashed their touchscreen. They then sent their phone in as a warranty repair. We said 'lol no warranty', and offered them a quote to fix it. They refused the quote, and got the phone back as-is.
They then went to the zoo, where they asked the hyenas for a cheaper repair. (I assume, based on what I saw). Then, happy in the knowledge that no one would ever guess how sneaky they were, they sent the phone back to us for repair with its unbroken touchscreen. Surely now it will be in warranty!
I then receive a phone with the problem 'touchscreen not working', in the following state: the touchscreen is working (a minor miracle). The inside of the touchscreen is a mess of smudges, glue, and clearly defined fingerprints. One screw is missing from the back. The volume key has been torn off.
"You get what you pay for," we say. "Here is our quote. Again."
As far as the Evil Empire is concerned, at this point we have permission to shoot you, so good luck. It's us or the hyenas again.
First World Problems
The ticket: "I am a whiny little snot. Please beat me up."
Oh, sorry. I'm paraphrasing there. "The LED light on the front of the phone (red green blue) lights up but is too dim."
You sent your phone away to a repair centre for a week because you don't like the strength of the LED??? Never have I been so tempted to 'accidentally' misuse a multimeter and show you what a real problem looks like. How do you survive in this world?
Not only that, but when I log this phone (as No Fault Found, natch), I find it's been sent in before... and No Fault Found before. I didn't even bother to check why; maybe an icon was an unpleasing shade of blue?
Oh, sorry. I'm paraphrasing there. "The LED light on the front of the phone (red green blue) lights up but is too dim."
You sent your phone away to a repair centre for a week because you don't like the strength of the LED??? Never have I been so tempted to 'accidentally' misuse a multimeter and show you what a real problem looks like. How do you survive in this world?
Not only that, but when I log this phone (as No Fault Found, natch), I find it's been sent in before... and No Fault Found before. I didn't even bother to check why; maybe an icon was an unpleasing shade of blue?
Thursday, 8 November 2012
Really? This is a fault now?
"DOESNT PICK UP WIFI SIGNAL AT LONG RANGES WHEN IT USED TO. WILL PICK UP IF IN CLOSE PROXIMITY OF ROUTER. BATTERY DOESNT LAST LONGER THAN A DAY AND A HALF WHEN IT USED TO LAST OVER 2 DAYS"
Oh. My. God. Quickly, someone! Get Samsung on the phone! Tell them we need the CEO immediately! THIS BATTERY ONLY LASTS A DAY AND A HALF!
You knobhead.
Of course I check the wifi and the battery, and everything else, but shockingly enough I did not find anything wrong with this phone. Imagine.
Oh. My. God. Quickly, someone! Get Samsung on the phone! Tell them we need the CEO immediately! THIS BATTERY ONLY LASTS A DAY AND A HALF!
You knobhead.
Of course I check the wifi and the battery, and everything else, but shockingly enough I did not find anything wrong with this phone. Imagine.
Friday, 5 October 2012
A Live One
"I went on a trip to Brazil, and while I was there I got my phone unofficially network-unlocked. When I got back to the UK, I had network problems. Please fix."
Really?
You think the phone is still in warranty now?
I have bad news; both your network and the Evil Empire stopped caring about your problems the instant you unlocked the thing.
And depending what Happy Paulo's House of Hacks did, your phone may or may not be repairable.
The result: the phone CAN be repaired, so we sent a quote for the repair. The customer didn't like that; phone was returned unrepaired.
Really?
You think the phone is still in warranty now?
I have bad news; both your network and the Evil Empire stopped caring about your problems the instant you unlocked the thing.
And depending what Happy Paulo's House of Hacks did, your phone may or may not be repairable.
The result: the phone CAN be repaired, so we sent a quote for the repair. The customer didn't like that; phone was returned unrepaired.
Oh, the Adventure
I wonder who'll play me in the movie.
Allocations gave me a set of a very new model phone to refurb for O-Company. O-Company phones come in without batteries, and leave without batteries.
And it's new. I don't HAVE a battery for it.
So, I ask Allocations. No: only O-Company ones have come in so far, they have no battery for that model.
So I ask along the Evil Empire line. Nobody else has seen that model yet. No batteries.
So I ask the technical manager. He has no idea.
So I ask the line manager. She says to ask the technical manager.
So I go back to the technical manager. He says to go back to the line manager.
The line manager doesn't know, but someone named Jackie might.
I go find Jackie in QA. She has no battery. QA hasn't seen that model yet and doesn't have a battery for it either.
Jackie promises to go ask someone named Mark, and come back if there's any luck.
I stand in the aisle calculating how much I'm getting paid for standing there.
Jackie has no luck, but says that I could try to request a battery from Stores with a special form but 'they probably don't have one'.
I go back to the line manager, and ask to make the request from Stores. Line manager says yes, I just need the part number.
I open up the model's manual. There is no battery listed. No part number.
I go back to the technical manager. He doesn't know how to find the part number.
I fill out the form and take all the information except the part number to Stores, where I sniffle forlornly at them.
Stores has mercy, and goes to look for the battery part number and battery for me, the hard way.
And Stores succeeds! I get the only battery in the universe for that model! I immediately write my name and 'mine, back off, grrrr' on it in black marker.
Then, an hour after starting, I finally get to testing and refurbing the phones...
Allocations gave me a set of a very new model phone to refurb for O-Company. O-Company phones come in without batteries, and leave without batteries.
And it's new. I don't HAVE a battery for it.
So, I ask Allocations. No: only O-Company ones have come in so far, they have no battery for that model.
So I ask along the Evil Empire line. Nobody else has seen that model yet. No batteries.
So I ask the technical manager. He has no idea.
So I ask the line manager. She says to ask the technical manager.
So I go back to the technical manager. He says to go back to the line manager.
The line manager doesn't know, but someone named Jackie might.
I go find Jackie in QA. She has no battery. QA hasn't seen that model yet and doesn't have a battery for it either.
Jackie promises to go ask someone named Mark, and come back if there's any luck.
I stand in the aisle calculating how much I'm getting paid for standing there.
Jackie has no luck, but says that I could try to request a battery from Stores with a special form but 'they probably don't have one'.
I go back to the line manager, and ask to make the request from Stores. Line manager says yes, I just need the part number.
I open up the model's manual. There is no battery listed. No part number.
I go back to the technical manager. He doesn't know how to find the part number.
I fill out the form and take all the information except the part number to Stores, where I sniffle forlornly at them.
Stores has mercy, and goes to look for the battery part number and battery for me, the hard way.
And Stores succeeds! I get the only battery in the universe for that model! I immediately write my name and 'mine, back off, grrrr' on it in black marker.
Then, an hour after starting, I finally get to testing and refurbing the phones...
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
A Day in the Life
What's it like being a tech, you might wonder. Well, wonder no more!
6:00 - Up.
7:20 - Out.
8:00 - At 'em.
1. "Phone will not turn on, has been going faulty past few days. Started with charger icon showing up without it being plugged in, and now theres no display at all"
Rear case is melted, the main board inside the phone has a big scorched area where the components are charcoal. BER'ed it.
(BER, if you recall, is Beyond Economical Repair. It's our little way of saying 'screw you and your ex-warranty'; it applies if a phone is too badly damaged to be repairable, or is reported as stolen, etc.)
2. Want a software update because the phone is 'crashing'. They hosed it up with apps; did a reset, all good.
3. Can't receive calls. Turns out to be true, and they forgot to tell me the home key wasn't working. Software update fixed both.
4. "no display", because they cracked the LCD. Quoted for Out Of Warranty repair.
5. Turns off randomly; this one's difficult to diagnose, I don't have the tools, so sent to level 3.
Allocations dumps more phones on my desk. I don't need more phones yet.
6. "no power" and reboots randomly. The power turns out to be fine, but sent the reboot issue to level 3 just in case.
7. I9100, liquid damage to the charger port - we're allowed to replace it in warranty on this model only, so replaced.
Allocations dumps more phones on my desk. Again.
8. "no power", and it's true. Not the battery, charging port, charger, or visible damage, so sent to level 3.
9. "no power", fixed by cleaning the dirt out of the phone.
10. "not charging", and it's not the usual suspects, so sent to level 3.
11. "no power", and there never will be - the phone's completely encrusted in rust and corrosion. BER'ed it.
12. Signal problems, but not when I test it; sounds like the sim card is faulty. So I send it as No Fault Found with a suggestion to check that.
13. Charging and signal problems, because there's lots of liquid damage. BER'ed it.
Allocations dumps a whole lot more phones I don't need on my desk.
14. "no power", because of liquid damage again. BER'ed the fuc- um, it.
15. "no power", because the customer has managed to crumple up the pins in the charging port. Quoted them for an Out of Warranty repair.
First break! Coffee coffee coffee coffee.
16. "the power key doesnt work the phone will not switch on"
The phone's filled with dirt and some minor liquid damage; cleaned it up and tried it out, and it worked fine. Power key was just about the safest thing in there.
17. They want a software update because of microphone and signal problems. Microphone is fine, signal looks fine, sent the phone to calibration for main board signal/power testing. If it passes, it's good.
18. Serial complainer, but I can't prove the signal didn't drop, so sent the phone to calibration to be sure.
19. "no power"... wait for it... yes, liquid damage. BER'ed it.
20. Phone starts freezing when the battery charge gets low. Our Cadex battery tester is down for maintenance, but it's clearly a faulty battery... and out of warranty by date. Sent as No Fault Found, with a recommendation they replace the battery.
21. I9100, liquid damage, charger port - replaced it as usual.
22. The first phone I sent to calibration passed; nothing left to do but call it repaired.
23. The second phone I sent to calibration passed too.
24. They want a software update because the phone is 'crashing'. The phone refuses to do anything interesting at all, so updated and done.
25. 'short battery life' - please, not so much detail. I can't find anything really wrong, but software (your random apps from Honest Lou's Website Of Great Apps, only 1.99 each) is a common cause, so updated it.
Can I go home yet? Nope, just break time. Coooffeeeeeee.
26. Turns off randomly; we've seen this before. Sent this one to level 3 as well.
27. "not charging". Cleaned the grit, pocket lint, etc out of the charging port; hey presto. Fixed.
28. "MOBILE PHONE HAS A NUMBER OF ISSUES: INTERNET DOES NOT CONNECT AT TIMES, WHILST RETRIEVING EMAILS CONNECTION ERROR IS COMMON, CAPTURING PHOTOS DO NOT APPEAR PROPERLY IN GALLERY AND THE GALLERY APP ITSELF DOES NOT LOAD SOME TIMES. SW UPDATE MADE NO DIFFEREN"
Blah blah blah de blah. A bunch of non-issues (what way is properly? how often is some times?) It all worked fine when I tried it, except that I can't try to get your emails nohow. But the LCD had 'shadows' where the display was burnt into it. First I'm told to send that for quote, then to just repair it; I do as I'm told like a good little tech monkey. Nobody ever complains when they get a new screen, so we're fine.
29. Possible signal problems; sent it to calibration to make sure it's working.
Shift change; the morning people are going home, the lucky sods, and the afternoon people arriving.
30. Turns off randomly; another special little present for level 3.
31. "not charging"; it's charging, but it's getting stuck in the powering-on cycle. It's an old model, so sent to the flash bench (the people what do software updates all day) to be updated.
32. I9100, charging port, liquid, the usual replacement.
33. "the handset wil not charge, it drops out then the phone tuns back off, the phone clearly has a fault with the battery"
Or maybe it's the liquid damage on the battery connector and the charging port, which I just quoted as an Out of Warranty repair.
Will to live... fading...
34. The display "went purple and then black" at the top, presumably after it got that crack through the middle - quoted as an Out of Warranty repair.
The last three weeks of QA reports show up in email. Let's see... one quality fail out of 85 repairs tested; one fail out of 64 tested; and 4 fails out of 87 tested. I am safely in the clear on failure rates.
35. Network/sim card issue.
... and this is where the wheels came off. Stores, where all our parts come from? Their system went down. Completely. Thud. And something lost power, because all the ionizers (air guns) in the shop went gradually dead. Good times! So did Stores let people know what was up? Ha ha, of course not! No, we all just waited for our parts... and waited... and waited... for 46 minutes.
By the time everything came back up, I had six phones open on my bench, all waiting for parts or waiting for earlier phones to get logged in the system so that I could log the next ones... The order things were actually done in is very, very approximate.
Back to 35. Tested the phone, tried replacing the sim card reader; oh crap, that wasn't the problem. Returned the sim card reader, got yelled at for wasting parts (it's a tradition), and since all tests checked out, left with one option by elimination: the phone must be blacklisted (blocked as lost/stolen). BER'ed as blacklisted.
36. I9100, liquid, charging port, replaced that one too.
37. 'accelerometer problem'. Actually, you just needed to do a horizontal calibration. It's in Settings, in Display. It takes about a second or two.
38. Phone is back from calibration - but not calibrated. "No one is there," says the line manager. "Just fix it anyway." As fixing it requires calibration, and I can't request a magic wand with Stores still down, I shove the problem off to level 3. You're welcome, guys.
39. Hunk of junk that may once have been phone in for 'software update'. Cleaned, discovered that touchscreen looks like an ice rink after a hockey fight; if it's working it won't be for long, so quoted for Out of Warranty repair.
40. 'software update', to fix signal and power issues. I don't think so. The phone's turning off randomly, so off to level 3 it goes.
Ten hours down. Never want to see another phone. I can go home at last. I breathe the sweet air of freedom, trudge home, and lapse into a coma across the bed. ... until tomorrow morning, when I'll discover I have no clean uniforms.
6:00 - Up.
7:20 - Out.
8:00 - At 'em.
1. "Phone will not turn on, has been going faulty past few days. Started with charger icon showing up without it being plugged in, and now theres no display at all"
Rear case is melted, the main board inside the phone has a big scorched area where the components are charcoal. BER'ed it.
(BER, if you recall, is Beyond Economical Repair. It's our little way of saying 'screw you and your ex-warranty'; it applies if a phone is too badly damaged to be repairable, or is reported as stolen, etc.)
2. Want a software update because the phone is 'crashing'. They hosed it up with apps; did a reset, all good.
3. Can't receive calls. Turns out to be true, and they forgot to tell me the home key wasn't working. Software update fixed both.
4. "no display", because they cracked the LCD. Quoted for Out Of Warranty repair.
5. Turns off randomly; this one's difficult to diagnose, I don't have the tools, so sent to level 3.
Allocations dumps more phones on my desk. I don't need more phones yet.
6. "no power" and reboots randomly. The power turns out to be fine, but sent the reboot issue to level 3 just in case.
7. I9100, liquid damage to the charger port - we're allowed to replace it in warranty on this model only, so replaced.
Allocations dumps more phones on my desk. Again.
8. "no power", and it's true. Not the battery, charging port, charger, or visible damage, so sent to level 3.
9. "no power", fixed by cleaning the dirt out of the phone.
10. "not charging", and it's not the usual suspects, so sent to level 3.
11. "no power", and there never will be - the phone's completely encrusted in rust and corrosion. BER'ed it.
12. Signal problems, but not when I test it; sounds like the sim card is faulty. So I send it as No Fault Found with a suggestion to check that.
13. Charging and signal problems, because there's lots of liquid damage. BER'ed it.
Allocations dumps a whole lot more phones I don't need on my desk.
14. "no power", because of liquid damage again. BER'ed the fuc- um, it.
15. "no power", because the customer has managed to crumple up the pins in the charging port. Quoted them for an Out of Warranty repair.
First break! Coffee coffee coffee coffee.
16. "the power key doesnt work the phone will not switch on"
The phone's filled with dirt and some minor liquid damage; cleaned it up and tried it out, and it worked fine. Power key was just about the safest thing in there.
17. They want a software update because of microphone and signal problems. Microphone is fine, signal looks fine, sent the phone to calibration for main board signal/power testing. If it passes, it's good.
18. Serial complainer, but I can't prove the signal didn't drop, so sent the phone to calibration to be sure.
19. "no power"... wait for it... yes, liquid damage. BER'ed it.
20. Phone starts freezing when the battery charge gets low. Our Cadex battery tester is down for maintenance, but it's clearly a faulty battery... and out of warranty by date. Sent as No Fault Found, with a recommendation they replace the battery.
21. I9100, liquid damage, charger port - replaced it as usual.
22. The first phone I sent to calibration passed; nothing left to do but call it repaired.
23. The second phone I sent to calibration passed too.
24. They want a software update because the phone is 'crashing'. The phone refuses to do anything interesting at all, so updated and done.
25. 'short battery life' - please, not so much detail. I can't find anything really wrong, but software (your random apps from Honest Lou's Website Of Great Apps, only 1.99 each) is a common cause, so updated it.
Can I go home yet? Nope, just break time. Coooffeeeeeee.
26. Turns off randomly; we've seen this before. Sent this one to level 3 as well.
27. "not charging". Cleaned the grit, pocket lint, etc out of the charging port; hey presto. Fixed.
28. "MOBILE PHONE HAS A NUMBER OF ISSUES: INTERNET DOES NOT CONNECT AT TIMES, WHILST RETRIEVING EMAILS CONNECTION ERROR IS COMMON, CAPTURING PHOTOS DO NOT APPEAR PROPERLY IN GALLERY AND THE GALLERY APP ITSELF DOES NOT LOAD SOME TIMES. SW UPDATE MADE NO DIFFEREN"
Blah blah blah de blah. A bunch of non-issues (what way is properly? how often is some times?) It all worked fine when I tried it, except that I can't try to get your emails nohow. But the LCD had 'shadows' where the display was burnt into it. First I'm told to send that for quote, then to just repair it; I do as I'm told like a good little tech monkey. Nobody ever complains when they get a new screen, so we're fine.
29. Possible signal problems; sent it to calibration to make sure it's working.
Shift change; the morning people are going home, the lucky sods, and the afternoon people arriving.
30. Turns off randomly; another special little present for level 3.
31. "not charging"; it's charging, but it's getting stuck in the powering-on cycle. It's an old model, so sent to the flash bench (the people what do software updates all day) to be updated.
32. I9100, charging port, liquid, the usual replacement.
33. "the handset wil not charge, it drops out then the phone tuns back off, the phone clearly has a fault with the battery"
Or maybe it's the liquid damage on the battery connector and the charging port, which I just quoted as an Out of Warranty repair.
Will to live... fading...
34. The display "went purple and then black" at the top, presumably after it got that crack through the middle - quoted as an Out of Warranty repair.
The last three weeks of QA reports show up in email. Let's see... one quality fail out of 85 repairs tested; one fail out of 64 tested; and 4 fails out of 87 tested. I am safely in the clear on failure rates.
35. Network/sim card issue.
... and this is where the wheels came off. Stores, where all our parts come from? Their system went down. Completely. Thud. And something lost power, because all the ionizers (air guns) in the shop went gradually dead. Good times! So did Stores let people know what was up? Ha ha, of course not! No, we all just waited for our parts... and waited... and waited... for 46 minutes.
By the time everything came back up, I had six phones open on my bench, all waiting for parts or waiting for earlier phones to get logged in the system so that I could log the next ones... The order things were actually done in is very, very approximate.
Back to 35. Tested the phone, tried replacing the sim card reader; oh crap, that wasn't the problem. Returned the sim card reader, got yelled at for wasting parts (it's a tradition), and since all tests checked out, left with one option by elimination: the phone must be blacklisted (blocked as lost/stolen). BER'ed as blacklisted.
36. I9100, liquid, charging port, replaced that one too.
37. 'accelerometer problem'. Actually, you just needed to do a horizontal calibration. It's in Settings, in Display. It takes about a second or two.
38. Phone is back from calibration - but not calibrated. "No one is there," says the line manager. "Just fix it anyway." As fixing it requires calibration, and I can't request a magic wand with Stores still down, I shove the problem off to level 3. You're welcome, guys.
39. Hunk of junk that may once have been phone in for 'software update'. Cleaned, discovered that touchscreen looks like an ice rink after a hockey fight; if it's working it won't be for long, so quoted for Out of Warranty repair.
40. 'software update', to fix signal and power issues. I don't think so. The phone's turning off randomly, so off to level 3 it goes.
Ten hours down. Never want to see another phone. I can go home at last. I breathe the sweet air of freedom, trudge home, and lapse into a coma across the bed. ... until tomorrow morning, when I'll discover I have no clean uniforms.
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Some Advice
It sucks when your phone breaks. You need that phone. Your stuff is on that phone. And there are people just waiting to help get it fixed for you. But things often go a bit wrong... so some advice might help.
We will check your fault. If you say the phone gets up and walks away while you're writing a text message, we will write a text message and watch what happens. If you say the phone doesn't turn on, we will attempt to turn it on.
So please tell us what is happening! I see tickets with "Fault: N/A", "Fault: the thingie doesn't go", "Fault: phone is broken"... If I'm not sure what's happening, I will mark the phone No Fault Found and send it to the call centre so they can call you up and ask you what's going on. I am not, NOT, sending a phone as repaired unless I know it works.
And please don't lie! I catch customers every day in outright, simple, easily-caught lies. This doesn't just mean scammers who lie about the phone being broken at all; this also means people who add a few 'extra' faults to their ticket to make it all sound more serious. We will test. We will find out. Then we will repair only what is actually broken.
Liquids are bad, bad, not repairable, and out of warranty. People send in phones saying there's liquid damage. This does make it quick and easy for me to document it and send the phone back as unrepairable, but it wastes the customer's time. I also get phones asking if they can get a quote for an out of warranty repair for liquid - that's a reasonable idea, but a look through the manual or a quick search online will confirm that it can't be done.
Take care of your phone. The majority of the phones I see are scratched, dinged, dirty or absolutely filthy. This does have an immediate connection to why these phones are in for repair. Get a case. Avoid duststorms. Try not to drop it much. Avoid steam. You're carrying delicate electronics around with you - sometimes, life just happens, but a little caution will seriously improve the odds you never need a repair.
If you won't read the manual, at least look questions up online. These little dohickeys are complicated. They have a crapload of features, and apps, and bells, and whistles. If you can't find a setting or your phone is doing something odd, a quick scan through the manual's table of contents or a quick web search could save you a lot of time sending it in. Not always, but definitely worth a shot!
We will check your fault. If you say the phone gets up and walks away while you're writing a text message, we will write a text message and watch what happens. If you say the phone doesn't turn on, we will attempt to turn it on.
So please tell us what is happening! I see tickets with "Fault: N/A", "Fault: the thingie doesn't go", "Fault: phone is broken"... If I'm not sure what's happening, I will mark the phone No Fault Found and send it to the call centre so they can call you up and ask you what's going on. I am not, NOT, sending a phone as repaired unless I know it works.
And please don't lie! I catch customers every day in outright, simple, easily-caught lies. This doesn't just mean scammers who lie about the phone being broken at all; this also means people who add a few 'extra' faults to their ticket to make it all sound more serious. We will test. We will find out. Then we will repair only what is actually broken.
Liquids are bad, bad, not repairable, and out of warranty. People send in phones saying there's liquid damage. This does make it quick and easy for me to document it and send the phone back as unrepairable, but it wastes the customer's time. I also get phones asking if they can get a quote for an out of warranty repair for liquid - that's a reasonable idea, but a look through the manual or a quick search online will confirm that it can't be done.
Take care of your phone. The majority of the phones I see are scratched, dinged, dirty or absolutely filthy. This does have an immediate connection to why these phones are in for repair. Get a case. Avoid duststorms. Try not to drop it much. Avoid steam. You're carrying delicate electronics around with you - sometimes, life just happens, but a little caution will seriously improve the odds you never need a repair.
If you won't read the manual, at least look questions up online. These little dohickeys are complicated. They have a crapload of features, and apps, and bells, and whistles. If you can't find a setting or your phone is doing something odd, a quick scan through the manual's table of contents or a quick web search could save you a lot of time sending it in. Not always, but definitely worth a shot!
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
It's Not Me, It's You
It's been a long day. 10 hours, to be specific. The new 'Tuesday Ten' that we've been bribed into by offering us a short day Fridays.
Here we have a contrasting pair of tickets. In the first one, I know all too well what the customer is thinking; in the second one, I don't know well enough.
"Phone will not end calls, but behaves as if call has ended, this fault has run up massive bills for the customer as the call will not actually end as it implies."
Look, I know you had to try it, but sorry. That's not how it works. I feel ya, but try and arrange a payment plan.
"home screen load up screen goes blank and icon load one by one and freezes battery life is poor"
Is this translated from the original Martian? This phone was on the setup screens... as in, at some point it was given a new software install and then never used until I got it. This... does not make it easier to guess what the hell you're on about.
And then we have the usual run...
"showing as memory full, wont off write text and open keyboard for texting"
If you have undeletable gems of wisdom, go put them in a blog like everyone else. If not, just delete your old texts already. That's all I'm going to do.
Here we have a contrasting pair of tickets. In the first one, I know all too well what the customer is thinking; in the second one, I don't know well enough.
"Phone will not end calls, but behaves as if call has ended, this fault has run up massive bills for the customer as the call will not actually end as it implies."
Look, I know you had to try it, but sorry. That's not how it works. I feel ya, but try and arrange a payment plan.
"home screen load up screen goes blank and icon load one by one and freezes battery life is poor"
Is this translated from the original Martian? This phone was on the setup screens... as in, at some point it was given a new software install and then never used until I got it. This... does not make it easier to guess what the hell you're on about.
And then we have the usual run...
"showing as memory full, wont off write text and open keyboard for texting"
If you have undeletable gems of wisdom, go put them in a blog like everyone else. If not, just delete your old texts already. That's all I'm going to do.
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Tickets of the Day
"When the lady goes on gallery from her phone it says DELETE SOME ITEMS but the phone has alot of space on there."
Translation: when the customer opens the photo gallery app, a message appears advising her that there is not enough memory left for more pictures, and she should delete some items to create space. She does not want to delete any photos, so she sent the phone in for repair instead.
If you don't know why this is funny, welcome to the blog.
The phone information (in Settings!) said that the phone had 11.35 GB of memory, and that 10.25 GB of it was taken up by photos and/or videos; after the memory taken up by other things as well, the phone had 120 Mb of space free. This is... not 'alot'.
The good news is, now she has a lot more free space on her phone...
Another happy customer! I like to help.
"headpeace and ear peace not working unable to hear anyone vice versa"
Setting aside the sorry state of the educational system that produced this, I've just been paid, in real money, to raise the volume in your phone settings.
So... you're welcome?
Translation: when the customer opens the photo gallery app, a message appears advising her that there is not enough memory left for more pictures, and she should delete some items to create space. She does not want to delete any photos, so she sent the phone in for repair instead.
If you don't know why this is funny, welcome to the blog.
The phone information (in Settings!) said that the phone had 11.35 GB of memory, and that 10.25 GB of it was taken up by photos and/or videos; after the memory taken up by other things as well, the phone had 120 Mb of space free. This is... not 'alot'.
The good news is, now she has a lot more free space on her phone...
Another happy customer! I like to help.
"headpeace and ear peace not working unable to hear anyone vice versa"
Setting aside the sorry state of the educational system that produced this, I've just been paid, in real money, to raise the volume in your phone settings.
So... you're welcome?
Thursday, 26 July 2012
You What?
So, I'm doing NFF phones. The first engineer to check them didn't find anything wrong, we've checked with the customer again to see if they can clear things up, I have the phone to check again with notes from everyone.
First note: the person on the other end of the phone can't hear the customer, but hears noises like people ordering taxis
Second note: found nothing wrong
Third note: customer says it sounds like a taxi office when they're trying to talk on their phone, and it's even happening with the loan phone they got from the shop, it's a permanent fault
...
Really?
To clear this up, I just need to ask a few questions.
1. Are you standing in a taxi office?
2. Are you using a bluetooth headset?
3. ... Near a taxi office?
4. Are you on any medications at this time?
PS, Your phone is not so broken that it even broke another phone long-distance. It's not.
First note: the person on the other end of the phone can't hear the customer, but hears noises like people ordering taxis
Second note: found nothing wrong
Third note: customer says it sounds like a taxi office when they're trying to talk on their phone, and it's even happening with the loan phone they got from the shop, it's a permanent fault
...
Really?
To clear this up, I just need to ask a few questions.
1. Are you standing in a taxi office?
2. Are you using a bluetooth headset?
3. ... Near a taxi office?
4. Are you on any medications at this time?
PS, Your phone is not so broken that it even broke another phone long-distance. It's not.
I Like to Help
"not response from screen, possibly faulty digitizer"
I guess, but it might also be the liquid damage all over the inside of your phone, too.
PS. Calling the touchscreen by the more technical name digitizer didn't help at all, did it?
"Reading that memory card is damaged, gives option to format it, but will not do it. Re-formatted it through laptop but phone still reads as damaged SD card when its not."
I'm afraid stomping your feet and declaring that your SD card is fine did not work. Hint: the problem is not the phone. It liked all my SD cards just fine.
"the phone does off with an alarm sound, when the customer doesnt have any preset alarms"
For this special case, I jotted down and here repeat the case notes that I put into the system for this phone:
Three alarms were set on the phone. One, "Alarm", was set for 16:59 on Tuesday, occurring once, and was inactive. The second, "Alarm", was set for 09:00 on Friday, repeating weekly, and was active. The third, "get up u lazy gitt", was set for 06:50 on all weekdays, repeating, and was active. Alarms have been removed.
I guess, but it might also be the liquid damage all over the inside of your phone, too.
PS. Calling the touchscreen by the more technical name digitizer didn't help at all, did it?
"Reading that memory card is damaged, gives option to format it, but will not do it. Re-formatted it through laptop but phone still reads as damaged SD card when its not."
I'm afraid stomping your feet and declaring that your SD card is fine did not work. Hint: the problem is not the phone. It liked all my SD cards just fine.
"the phone does off with an alarm sound, when the customer doesnt have any preset alarms"
For this special case, I jotted down and here repeat the case notes that I put into the system for this phone:
Three alarms were set on the phone. One, "Alarm", was set for 16:59 on Tuesday, occurring once, and was inactive. The second, "Alarm", was set for 09:00 on Friday, repeating weekly, and was active. The third, "get up u lazy gitt", was set for 06:50 on all weekdays, repeating, and was active. Alarms have been removed.
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
Mind: Blown
"software problems, switches off, backlight does not respond and does
not hold a charge"
You downloaded 75 extra apps. 75. This catapults you into our new
second place in the app-happy olympics.
As soon as I wiped them, all your problems disappeared.
"Phone constantly overheating to the point it warps sim card, most
recent occurance has caused the screen to black out and become
unresponsive"
Um, wow. So... just so I have this straight, how many times did your
sim card start MELTING before you thought maybe you should get that
looked at?
Speaking of melting, the last two days at work it has hit 32 degrees C
by 11am... and then kept getting hotter. The general discontent about
this is starting to reach riot proportions, even though they're
letting us take the white coats off and the shift managers are
squabbling and stealing fans from each other for their groups.
not hold a charge"
You downloaded 75 extra apps. 75. This catapults you into our new
second place in the app-happy olympics.
As soon as I wiped them, all your problems disappeared.
"Phone constantly overheating to the point it warps sim card, most
recent occurance has caused the screen to black out and become
unresponsive"
Um, wow. So... just so I have this straight, how many times did your
sim card start MELTING before you thought maybe you should get that
looked at?
Speaking of melting, the last two days at work it has hit 32 degrees C
by 11am... and then kept getting hotter. The general discontent about
this is starting to reach riot proportions, even though they're
letting us take the white coats off and the shift managers are
squabbling and stealing fans from each other for their groups.
Thursday, 19 July 2012
Break Dancin'
It's hard to leave work, these days.
What with managers clinging to your ankles crying about 'just one more
hour of overtime, pleeease'.
Apparently this is National Break Your Phone month, and nobody told
me; we are awash in cracked touchscreens, dented cases, things jammed
into charger ports, and the ever-popular liquid damage. Also one case
of a phone absolutely filled with nutmeg; I don't even want to know.
I want to fix people's phones; I want to help; it looks good on my
repair statistics. If only people would work with me, here, and try
not to drop their phone into their tea (confessed), into their soup
(confessed), or into a puddle (confessed). Or completely soak the drat
thing and try to get away with it; here's a tip, if the screws are
rusty I don't even attempt to turn the phone on, I just open 'er up
for a picture of the damage.
What with managers clinging to your ankles crying about 'just one more
hour of overtime, pleeease'.
Apparently this is National Break Your Phone month, and nobody told
me; we are awash in cracked touchscreens, dented cases, things jammed
into charger ports, and the ever-popular liquid damage. Also one case
of a phone absolutely filled with nutmeg; I don't even want to know.
I want to fix people's phones; I want to help; it looks good on my
repair statistics. If only people would work with me, here, and try
not to drop their phone into their tea (confessed), into their soup
(confessed), or into a puddle (confessed). Or completely soak the drat
thing and try to get away with it; here's a tip, if the screws are
rusty I don't even attempt to turn the phone on, I just open 'er up
for a picture of the damage.
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
More Open Letters
Dear retail monkey/call centre monkey who sent us a phone with an
exact description of the proximity sensor function as a 'fault':
Someday, I will find you.
Dear Moneybags:
Now that the shiny new Brand Shinyphone is out, having launched on
May 29 in Europe, we have been anticipating seeing it show up for
repairs. What I did not anticipate was that my first repair would
be liquid damage. You'll be paying for this phone for the next two
years, and you broke it in just over a month? Seriously? If you just
wanted to piss away 500 pounds, you could have given it to me. I
would have taken care of a shiny toy like that.
Dear Mic Not Working:
If you seriously managed to turn on and use that lump of rust and
corrosion, and the only thing you found wrong was the mic, you need to
talk to the Catholic church instead of us - they're the ones that
handle miracles. Seriously, I couldn't even see half the components on
the main board under the corrosion.
Dear Pigpen:
We were all very, very impressed that you managed to jam up your usb
port with dirt and lint so completely that it's level with the phone
case. Laszlo showed us all what you managed to do. But didn't it occur
to you that not being able to put a charger in there might somehow
relate to the phone not charging?
Dear 'I sent the phone to Store, and now I'm sending it to Brand':
Yeah, those are both us. Welcome back.
Dear App-Happy:
The current top three app-downloaders are 49 additional apps in third
place, 53 additional apps in 2nd place, and 183 additional apps in
first - the 40ish apps that come with the phone aren't counted in
these totals. Yes, if you've downloaded anything over 40 additional
apps, I'm going to a) wipe them and b) tell you that's why your phone
is 'running slow'. At least on most models; I will reserve judgement
on the quad-core Shinyphone until I see how it likes all your Joke of the Day
crap.
exact description of the proximity sensor function as a 'fault':
Someday, I will find you.
Dear Moneybags:
Now that the shiny new Brand Shinyphone is out, having launched on
May 29 in Europe, we have been anticipating seeing it show up for
repairs. What I did not anticipate was that my first repair would
be liquid damage. You'll be paying for this phone for the next two
years, and you broke it in just over a month? Seriously? If you just
wanted to piss away 500 pounds, you could have given it to me. I
would have taken care of a shiny toy like that.
Dear Mic Not Working:
If you seriously managed to turn on and use that lump of rust and
corrosion, and the only thing you found wrong was the mic, you need to
talk to the Catholic church instead of us - they're the ones that
handle miracles. Seriously, I couldn't even see half the components on
the main board under the corrosion.
Dear Pigpen:
We were all very, very impressed that you managed to jam up your usb
port with dirt and lint so completely that it's level with the phone
case. Laszlo showed us all what you managed to do. But didn't it occur
to you that not being able to put a charger in there might somehow
relate to the phone not charging?
Dear 'I sent the phone to Store, and now I'm sending it to Brand':
Yeah, those are both us. Welcome back.
Dear App-Happy:
The current top three app-downloaders are 49 additional apps in third
place, 53 additional apps in 2nd place, and 183 additional apps in
first - the 40ish apps that come with the phone aren't counted in
these totals. Yes, if you've downloaded anything over 40 additional
apps, I'm going to a) wipe them and b) tell you that's why your phone
is 'running slow'. At least on most models; I will reserve judgement
on the quad-core Shinyphone until I see how it likes all your Joke of the Day
crap.
Friday, 29 June 2012
Oh, Customers
These are all ACTUAL TICKETS. I brought them home with me in order to
capture the, er, full flavour and nuance of the tech experience.
"While on charge smoke started to come out of the top and the phone
was very hot. We took it appart and the battery was too hot to touch.
It has not worked since."
A) No crap, it hasn't worked since. I knew that part by the word 'smoke'.
B) You thought this phone could be repaired?
C) You thought this phone would be an IN WARRANTY repair?
Seriously? You used some cheap knockoff charger after clogging your
phone up with dust, and it started a fire. Being on fire is not good
for phones, okay?
Luckily, by 'took it apart' you meant 'took off the battery cover';
well, normally this would be a crucial, warranty-deciding sort of
distinction, but I guess in this case you can do whatever you want
now.
"Phone Displayes battery over voltage charging cancelled when not
plugged in. Battery indicator flashes randomly also."
Luckily, this is a known and familiar issue. The error message you
just garbled is "Charging stopped: voltage too high" and it appears
randomly. If I hadn't known about it already, your ticket sure
wouldn't have helped. Replaced yer broken thingamajig in the phone and
all is well.
And this last one, from an angry scrawl on a second paper, complete
with CAPS OF RAGE and underlining:
"This phone is complete crap. It has been protected, not dropped and
is still a complete cow. I have lost ALL my data because it wont
connect to my computer. The battery is now completely knackered as the
phone thinks it has been on charge + connected to a usb port for the
last two weeks. Utter utter crap. Please replace."
Let's break this down. a) the phone won't connect to a computer; b)
the phone is showing a usb connection when there isn't one. Using my
incredible and vast technical knowledge, it appears that this phone
only has one problem, and that is the usb connector.
Specifically, the dust in the usb connector. Because the phone worked
normally as soon as I blew a little air in there. You'd think with all
that huffing and puffing, the customer would've been able to do that
too...
PS, battery was tested at 100%, so it's a bit tougher than you thought.
capture the, er, full flavour and nuance of the tech experience.
"While on charge smoke started to come out of the top and the phone
was very hot. We took it appart and the battery was too hot to touch.
It has not worked since."
A) No crap, it hasn't worked since. I knew that part by the word 'smoke'.
B) You thought this phone could be repaired?
C) You thought this phone would be an IN WARRANTY repair?
Seriously? You used some cheap knockoff charger after clogging your
phone up with dust, and it started a fire. Being on fire is not good
for phones, okay?
Luckily, by 'took it apart' you meant 'took off the battery cover';
well, normally this would be a crucial, warranty-deciding sort of
distinction, but I guess in this case you can do whatever you want
now.
"Phone Displayes battery over voltage charging cancelled when not
plugged in. Battery indicator flashes randomly also."
Luckily, this is a known and familiar issue. The error message you
just garbled is "Charging stopped: voltage too high" and it appears
randomly. If I hadn't known about it already, your ticket sure
wouldn't have helped. Replaced yer broken thingamajig in the phone and
all is well.
And this last one, from an angry scrawl on a second paper, complete
with CAPS OF RAGE and underlining:
"This phone is complete crap. It has been protected, not dropped and
is still a complete cow. I have lost ALL my data because it wont
connect to my computer. The battery is now completely knackered as the
phone thinks it has been on charge + connected to a usb port for the
last two weeks. Utter utter crap. Please replace."
Let's break this down. a) the phone won't connect to a computer; b)
the phone is showing a usb connection when there isn't one. Using my
incredible and vast technical knowledge, it appears that this phone
only has one problem, and that is the usb connector.
Specifically, the dust in the usb connector. Because the phone worked
normally as soon as I blew a little air in there. You'd think with all
that huffing and puffing, the customer would've been able to do that
too...
PS, battery was tested at 100%, so it's a bit tougher than you thought.
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Hoarders, Phone Edition
We at work were all hugely impressed by today's customer of the day.
Surpassing a previous record of 42, this tireless customer downloaded
183 (one hundred and eighty-three) additional apps onto their phone,
without their phone actually exploding. This kind of mental-disorder
dedication left all the techs amazed; we feel that Brand should find
and IMMEDIATELY employ this person for stress-testing.
The phone comes with about forty apps, so
I don't count those, just the ones the customer added.
Adding about 10 apps is pretty normal. Adding about 20 apps means
you're getting a lot of use out of the phone. Adding about 30 apps
makes you app-happy. Anything upward of 30 is extremely likely to be
identified as the cause of your phone problems - any idiot out there
can put out a free app without testing to see if it gets along with
any other apps or even works well.
Surpassing a previous record of 42, this tireless customer downloaded
183 (one hundred and eighty-three) additional apps onto their phone,
without their phone actually exploding. This kind of mental-disorder
dedication left all the techs amazed; we feel that Brand should find
and IMMEDIATELY employ this person for stress-testing.
The phone comes with about forty apps, so
I don't count those, just the ones the customer added.
Adding about 10 apps is pretty normal. Adding about 20 apps means
you're getting a lot of use out of the phone. Adding about 30 apps
makes you app-happy. Anything upward of 30 is extremely likely to be
identified as the cause of your phone problems - any idiot out there
can put out a free app without testing to see if it gets along with
any other apps or even works well.
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Applause!
First, a great big shout-out to our customer of the day, who managed
to both crack the touchscreen AND soak the insides of a phone! Well
done, Butterfingers, well done. Our prize for this is a lovely
phone-shaped paperweight.
Congratulations.
In comparison, the Ticket of the Day is fairly routine; "NOT HOLDING A
CHARGE AND A SOFTWARE". As the phone was holding both a charge and
software, I'm not really sure, but I blame the education system. Key
to the left of the A, sir/ma'am.
to both crack the touchscreen AND soak the insides of a phone! Well
done, Butterfingers, well done. Our prize for this is a lovely
phone-shaped paperweight.
Congratulations.
In comparison, the Ticket of the Day is fairly routine; "NOT HOLDING A
CHARGE AND A SOFTWARE". As the phone was holding both a charge and
software, I'm not really sure, but I blame the education system. Key
to the left of the A, sir/ma'am.
Monday, 25 June 2012
Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics
Someone in the hierarchy at work has asked the question: Why can't
the Brand engineers hit a 30-per-day productivity, while also
hitting a 90% repaired rate?
Our supervisors have our backs, apparently, with a whole 'that's not
actually possible' line of logic. This is a good thing, because we
were laughing too hard when we heard that to really reply. And I mean
outright blurted-out guffaws.
F'rexample, today I did 32 phones. Four of them needed a part ordered
in, so went to 'awaiting parts' status - take them off the repairs.
Two of them were corroded all to heck by liquid, so BER - take them
off the repairs. So even if I could've repaired all the phones, and
not sent any at all to level three, we're talking an 81.25% repair
rate right there. This is typical. Oh wait - forgot, one phone had a
password lock and has to go to quote. Take that puppy off, too.
The level 1 engineers usually hit around 70% repaired rate, 'cause we
like to let level 3 feel useful and do a few phones too, now and then.
And frankly, I usually get 2-4 'forgot my password' phones that go to
quote in a day.
You now understand way more about what lvl 1 engineers do with their
time at work than at least one management type does!
the Brand engineers hit a 30-per-day productivity, while also
hitting a 90% repaired rate?
Our supervisors have our backs, apparently, with a whole 'that's not
actually possible' line of logic. This is a good thing, because we
were laughing too hard when we heard that to really reply. And I mean
outright blurted-out guffaws.
F'rexample, today I did 32 phones. Four of them needed a part ordered
in, so went to 'awaiting parts' status - take them off the repairs.
Two of them were corroded all to heck by liquid, so BER - take them
off the repairs. So even if I could've repaired all the phones, and
not sent any at all to level three, we're talking an 81.25% repair
rate right there. This is typical. Oh wait - forgot, one phone had a
password lock and has to go to quote. Take that puppy off, too.
The level 1 engineers usually hit around 70% repaired rate, 'cause we
like to let level 3 feel useful and do a few phones too, now and then.
And frankly, I usually get 2-4 'forgot my password' phones that go to
quote in a day.
You now understand way more about what lvl 1 engineers do with their
time at work than at least one management type does!
Saturday, 16 June 2012
Things Not to Do
Sure, they tell you not to drop it or get it wet, but do they tell you
not to drip candle wax into the speakers, leave it on the stove, or
fill it with chalk dust?
It turns out that these are not good ideas.
But I guess nobody told our customers that. I blame Brand, really.
not to drip candle wax into the speakers, leave it on the stove, or
fill it with chalk dust?
It turns out that these are not good ideas.
But I guess nobody told our customers that. I blame Brand, really.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
The Repair Pixies
Customers have very little idea of what a phone repair centre is like. This is probably for the best in some ways, really.
Some customers don't seem to realize there are repairs at all: "Broken cheap and easily replaced part, please replace phone." I've even seen a returned phone that the customer claimed we had replaced; turned out we'd just changed the sub pba on it.
Some customers seem to think there are idiot monkeys doing the repairs; "callers can't hear the customer, this is a microphone fault, please replace it". Scammers often seem to fall into this category - and we do get attempts to scam the system.
Some customers seem to think we're a bit more like Santa's workshop; "This one time on a trip to Sweden, the phone turned off by itself while it was loose in my purse. Please make everything better."; and "If phone is replaced, may I have white instead of black, and also can you save my apps?"
Some customers assume we don't check anything (hello, scammers), or don't check much; "My app is slow and I sent the phone in before and it was sent back with no problems found so I'm sending it again please check the hardware". Other customers seem to think we can find the reason their phone signal gets low every five-six days.
The truth is, we average 15 minutes per phone and we've seen most of the issues that come in before; I diagnose some phones in the first 10 seconds. However, there could always be a second fault, or an error - every single phone gets tested, opened up to check the hardware, flashed with new software, run through an RF testing process, and then tested again by QA. Every. Single. Phone. The photos of your family you've set as wallpaper become part of a forgettable series - I won't remember what they looked like within a minute of completing your phone. But I'm not letting that phone go until I'm sure it works, either.
No, we don't have a space-age Santa's workshop with magical pixies repairing your phones. The magical pixies are all on the HTC line; there's nobody here but us fairy princesses.
Some customers don't seem to realize there are repairs at all: "Broken cheap and easily replaced part, please replace phone." I've even seen a returned phone that the customer claimed we had replaced; turned out we'd just changed the sub pba on it.
Some customers seem to think there are idiot monkeys doing the repairs; "callers can't hear the customer, this is a microphone fault, please replace it". Scammers often seem to fall into this category - and we do get attempts to scam the system.
Some customers seem to think we're a bit more like Santa's workshop; "This one time on a trip to Sweden, the phone turned off by itself while it was loose in my purse. Please make everything better."; and "If phone is replaced, may I have white instead of black, and also can you save my apps?"
Some customers assume we don't check anything (hello, scammers), or don't check much; "My app is slow and I sent the phone in before and it was sent back with no problems found so I'm sending it again please check the hardware". Other customers seem to think we can find the reason their phone signal gets low every five-six days.
The truth is, we average 15 minutes per phone and we've seen most of the issues that come in before; I diagnose some phones in the first 10 seconds. However, there could always be a second fault, or an error - every single phone gets tested, opened up to check the hardware, flashed with new software, run through an RF testing process, and then tested again by QA. Every. Single. Phone. The photos of your family you've set as wallpaper become part of a forgettable series - I won't remember what they looked like within a minute of completing your phone. But I'm not letting that phone go until I'm sure it works, either.
No, we don't have a space-age Santa's workshop with magical pixies repairing your phones. The magical pixies are all on the HTC line; there's nobody here but us fairy princesses.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Ticket(s) of the Day
Today we have a tossup for Ticket of the Day between two customers.
First is the customer who informed me that the on and off switch on
the side of the phone wasn't working so they had to pull the battery
out. This is, in itself, not a bad problem description.
Unfortunately, on that model of phone, the power key is on the front.
Only the camera and lock keys are on the side of the phone. I don't
know what this customer is doing with their phone and I'm pretty sure
neither do they.
Second is a ticket I had to actually bring home with me:
"Fault Description: slow, disrupted connection to network and wifi,
when compared to exact same model. sms app mixes up when contacts
arrive, this means texts turn up everywhere. runs hot. opening apps
still stutters and does not run smoothly again in comparison to other
gs1."
a) so get another frickin' gs1 and leave me alone;
b) not sure whether this is a trouble ticket or a review;
c) on testing, No Fault Found - and the first thing I tested is
whether you hacked the phone software, 'cause you sound like the type.
And as a runner-up, we have the epic saga of Can't Send Texts. I get
this phone and see it comes up as a 30-day bouncer; we've seen it
before. So I hastily check the repair history, and the saga unfolds:
Can't Send Texts sends the phone in with exactly that problem. It is
sent back with a software update, which means we didn't find anything
wrong with it. It comes back to us a second time, same fault. This
time, we return it as No Fault Found. But! It comes back to us a third
time, same fault! This time, we send it back with new screws. And
then... then it comes back to us, same fault, a fourth time - and
lands on my desk. Joy! IT'S YOUR SIM CARD, BUDDY. But to cover my
arse, I send the stupid thing through calibration testing, wiltek
testing, you name it, we tested it: logged as No Fault Found.
First is the customer who informed me that the on and off switch on
the side of the phone wasn't working so they had to pull the battery
out. This is, in itself, not a bad problem description.
Unfortunately, on that model of phone, the power key is on the front.
Only the camera and lock keys are on the side of the phone. I don't
know what this customer is doing with their phone and I'm pretty sure
neither do they.
Second is a ticket I had to actually bring home with me:
"Fault Description: slow, disrupted connection to network and wifi,
when compared to exact same model. sms app mixes up when contacts
arrive, this means texts turn up everywhere. runs hot. opening apps
still stutters and does not run smoothly again in comparison to other
gs1."
a) so get another frickin' gs1 and leave me alone;
b) not sure whether this is a trouble ticket or a review;
c) on testing, No Fault Found - and the first thing I tested is
whether you hacked the phone software, 'cause you sound like the type.
And as a runner-up, we have the epic saga of Can't Send Texts. I get
this phone and see it comes up as a 30-day bouncer; we've seen it
before. So I hastily check the repair history, and the saga unfolds:
Can't Send Texts sends the phone in with exactly that problem. It is
sent back with a software update, which means we didn't find anything
wrong with it. It comes back to us a second time, same fault. This
time, we return it as No Fault Found. But! It comes back to us a third
time, same fault! This time, we send it back with new screws. And
then... then it comes back to us, same fault, a fourth time - and
lands on my desk. Joy! IT'S YOUR SIM CARD, BUDDY. But to cover my
arse, I send the stupid thing through calibration testing, wiltek
testing, you name it, we tested it: logged as No Fault Found.
Friday, 13 April 2012
Crankypants
Survived two 12-hour days of phone fixing. Never want to see another
phone again. Especially not a filthy, yicky customer phone.
Oh. Working on bouncers. Not only are customers all bald-faced liars,
but they looove to ask for a new phone in the bouncer tickets. Sorry,
guys, but your phone company will only give you a new one free on the
day Hitler and Ghandi both rise from the dead and break-dance on MTV.
They would rather eat your phone, whole, than replace it. Also, your
data. Use a memory card already. Our responsibilties to your data
begin and end with the phrase "shit happens".
And to the lady bitching about pocket-dialing: use a case like
everyone else, already.
phone again. Especially not a filthy, yicky customer phone.
Oh. Working on bouncers. Not only are customers all bald-faced liars,
but they looove to ask for a new phone in the bouncer tickets. Sorry,
guys, but your phone company will only give you a new one free on the
day Hitler and Ghandi both rise from the dead and break-dance on MTV.
They would rather eat your phone, whole, than replace it. Also, your
data. Use a memory card already. Our responsibilties to your data
begin and end with the phrase "shit happens".
And to the lady bitching about pocket-dialing: use a case like
everyone else, already.
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Bouncers and Thud
Today, for entirely mysterious reasons, I spent the last part of the
day on bouncers at work.
A bouncer is a phone that comes back to us again; they're categorized
as 30-day, 60-day, or 90-day bouncers. After 90 days, we no longer
care; it's considered a new issue because you've had more than enough
time to drop your phone in the toilet by then.
Bouncers is where the really tricky, intermittent issues come out.
Also, the crazies. And there is something the crazies clearly don't
know about the repair process: We have a 'repair history' button. This
is the 'instantly find out whether a customer is a lying liar who
lies' button, most often, and discovering what's up with a bouncer
often goes like this:
Ticket: "Phone won't turn on ever since it came back..."
History: "...which would be for the last three months, less a few
days, so what've you been using during that time?"
Ticket: "...and this issue keeps happening..."
History: "...and yet the reason the phone was sent in before was to
get the password reset..."
Ticket: "...and this is the fifth time..."
History: "We've had it once."
Ticket: "customer is really upset and would like a replacement"
Service Bulletin: "New model S-whatever released two days ago."
Phone: "Actually, my battery's just dead. Look, I'm on!"
But they won't let me put 'Biological Interface Failure' in the notes.
And the thud: Can we do overtime Saturday? How about today? And
tomorrow? Also if you're less than 100% productivity right now Joe
will throw a fit. I catch the faint whiff of job security, here, and
it gets stronger every time I see the stacks of boxes of phones marked
'Urgent' that are sitting at the back.
Luckily, Joe (the supervisor) told us to 'do what we had to' to make
sure our figures were right at 100%. Okie dokie then! I see a few
phones that suddenly look, through the plastic bags, like level three
jobbies. I'd better fling 'em straight to level three without
bothering to check! And that's my productivity sorted. Which is a good
thing, because after 12 hours of looking at phones in a day, they all
develop pink elephant menu icons.
day on bouncers at work.
A bouncer is a phone that comes back to us again; they're categorized
as 30-day, 60-day, or 90-day bouncers. After 90 days, we no longer
care; it's considered a new issue because you've had more than enough
time to drop your phone in the toilet by then.
Bouncers is where the really tricky, intermittent issues come out.
Also, the crazies. And there is something the crazies clearly don't
know about the repair process: We have a 'repair history' button. This
is the 'instantly find out whether a customer is a lying liar who
lies' button, most often, and discovering what's up with a bouncer
often goes like this:
Ticket: "Phone won't turn on ever since it came back..."
History: "...which would be for the last three months, less a few
days, so what've you been using during that time?"
Ticket: "...and this issue keeps happening..."
History: "...and yet the reason the phone was sent in before was to
get the password reset..."
Ticket: "...and this is the fifth time..."
History: "We've had it once."
Ticket: "customer is really upset and would like a replacement"
Service Bulletin: "New model S-whatever released two days ago."
Phone: "Actually, my battery's just dead. Look, I'm on!"
But they won't let me put 'Biological Interface Failure' in the notes.
And the thud: Can we do overtime Saturday? How about today? And
tomorrow? Also if you're less than 100% productivity right now Joe
will throw a fit. I catch the faint whiff of job security, here, and
it gets stronger every time I see the stacks of boxes of phones marked
'Urgent' that are sitting at the back.
Luckily, Joe (the supervisor) told us to 'do what we had to' to make
sure our figures were right at 100%. Okie dokie then! I see a few
phones that suddenly look, through the plastic bags, like level three
jobbies. I'd better fling 'em straight to level three without
bothering to check! And that's my productivity sorted. Which is a good
thing, because after 12 hours of looking at phones in a day, they all
develop pink elephant menu icons.
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
All By Itself
Customers are still entertainingly odd sometimes. I got one phone that
was so incredibly filthy inside that it set my allergies off badly.
I got another phone in as an out of warranty repair - touchscreen
shattered, came with a handwritten note that the customer DID NOT drop
it it just started cracking all by itself. I might even partly agree
with her: it looks more like some heavy weight was put on it. Darn
those invisible phone-hating elephants, huh?
was so incredibly filthy inside that it set my allergies off badly.
I got another phone in as an out of warranty repair - touchscreen
shattered, came with a handwritten note that the customer DID NOT drop
it it just started cracking all by itself. I might even partly agree
with her: it looks more like some heavy weight was put on it. Darn
those invisible phone-hating elephants, huh?
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Pointlessness
So, we're on this special project, 16 boxes of the same model of XYZ
phone to all be done yesterday, yadda yadda.
But Stores didn't get the memo. They ran out of parts today. Not all
of them, just the most essential ones, of course.
And they didn't really know what else to do with us except keep giving
us these phones...
So my usual pattern is, do about 25 phones in a shift, repair about 20
of them, the others are unrepairable or have a tiny invisible speck of
dust somewhere (omg, QA, how many customers are actually going to
examine the screen with a microscope).
Today, I did 38 phones, repaired 6 of them, all the others went to
'awaiting parts' status. I had this rhythm going - 'can I fix you? No?
FUCK YOU. Can I fix you?...' etc.
Also, this phone's software was coded by monkeys on drugs. And not the
smart monkeys either, the ones flinging poo. This is clearly
demonstrated by the fact that an official software update using the
official procedure sometimes BREAKS THE PHONE - main pba (motherboard
and all components) gets mailed back to XYZ as unusable. Now, people
dislike most of the big software companies, but very few of them have
a problem where sometimes it destroys the CPU if you update, so
y'know, credit where it's due?
We have a 'flash bench' that updates all phones after we fix them. I
am good and tired of them breaking the few phones I manage to send
along!
Poor Simon only managed to repair one phone today, hope flash didn't break it.
Anyway, it was a 'laugh or cry' day, so we gave up and started testing
the phones' game-playing ability more thoroughly toward the end of the
day. You gotta be sure it all works, you know.
phone to all be done yesterday, yadda yadda.
But Stores didn't get the memo. They ran out of parts today. Not all
of them, just the most essential ones, of course.
And they didn't really know what else to do with us except keep giving
us these phones...
So my usual pattern is, do about 25 phones in a shift, repair about 20
of them, the others are unrepairable or have a tiny invisible speck of
dust somewhere (omg, QA, how many customers are actually going to
examine the screen with a microscope).
Today, I did 38 phones, repaired 6 of them, all the others went to
'awaiting parts' status. I had this rhythm going - 'can I fix you? No?
FUCK YOU. Can I fix you?...' etc.
Also, this phone's software was coded by monkeys on drugs. And not the
smart monkeys either, the ones flinging poo. This is clearly
demonstrated by the fact that an official software update using the
official procedure sometimes BREAKS THE PHONE - main pba (motherboard
and all components) gets mailed back to XYZ as unusable. Now, people
dislike most of the big software companies, but very few of them have
a problem where sometimes it destroys the CPU if you update, so
y'know, credit where it's due?
We have a 'flash bench' that updates all phones after we fix them. I
am good and tired of them breaking the few phones I manage to send
along!
Poor Simon only managed to repair one phone today, hope flash didn't break it.
Anyway, it was a 'laugh or cry' day, so we gave up and started testing
the phones' game-playing ability more thoroughly toward the end of the
day. You gotta be sure it all works, you know.
Monday, 19 March 2012
More Phones to Break
I got in to work today to the surprise news that five of us were going
straight to training in XYZ phones, for a special project - 16 boxes
of the things to be repaired and refurbed ASAP, expected to take 4-5
days, for mobile provider Orange.
There's a reason you probably don't recognize the XYZ brand. These are
the knockoff phones from China. They're cheap, reasonably sturdy for
the price; the software is crap and they need to fire their English
translators. There are four workstations normally dedicated to XYZ
phones, on the 'mixed' line, compared to 20-55 techs with room for
about 5 more on the usual line. (For this temporary project, we're
working from our usual workstations and just running over to the XYZ
area to software update.)
Oddly enough, Orange has re-named all the phones. So the XYZ Atlas is
the Sydney when it's sold to Orange. I guess a company like Orange
obviously has very high standards when it comes to names.
Interestingly, there is no level 3 for XYZ. We're it. They gave us all
level-3 logins so we can exchange the main boards in the phones if
needed; I could feel the rush of pure power.
straight to training in XYZ phones, for a special project - 16 boxes
of the things to be repaired and refurbed ASAP, expected to take 4-5
days, for mobile provider Orange.
There's a reason you probably don't recognize the XYZ brand. These are
the knockoff phones from China. They're cheap, reasonably sturdy for
the price; the software is crap and they need to fire their English
translators. There are four workstations normally dedicated to XYZ
phones, on the 'mixed' line, compared to 20-55 techs with room for
about 5 more on the usual line. (For this temporary project, we're
working from our usual workstations and just running over to the XYZ
area to software update.)
Oddly enough, Orange has re-named all the phones. So the XYZ Atlas is
the Sydney when it's sold to Orange. I guess a company like Orange
obviously has very high standards when it comes to names.
Interestingly, there is no level 3 for XYZ. We're it. They gave us all
level-3 logins so we can exchange the main boards in the phones if
needed; I could feel the rush of pure power.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
Batteries do What?
Work is becoming more routine, but anything involving the public
attempting to use technology is never going to be completely routine.
I do have a Public Service Announcement:
Things That Are Not Battery Problems:
- the touchscreen is shattered
- some of the buttons don't work
- there's an echo during a call
- texts sometimes fail to send
Things That Are Battery Problems:
- the battery
Speaking of batteries, if yours starts overheating and swelling up,
'software upgrade requested' is just not going to be sufficient.
I also got the most helpful, useful ticket ever today, though, so
kudos to the customer or retail worker who wrote it:
"water damage"
Why, yes. You are absolutely correct. I was able to very quickly
confirm that your phone is now a stylish paperweight and move on to
the next, and I do appreciate that.
I did also get an amusing error today. Someone's phone software got
corrupted, and was giving some very peculiar readings for the battery;
they noticed that the phone thought the battery had no charge but kept
working fine. Going into the readings, I noticed that the phone was
also reporting the battery temperature as -97 C.
This led to Daniel arguing "but what if the phone is right? I think we
should be concerned...", while Laslo wanted to know whether there is a
new Ice Age or whether the phone might be from the last one, as it
*was* an older model.
Oh, and today's phones that were 'fixed' by plugging them into the
charger for ten minutes: 2. Apparently the 'software update' option
costs about 20-25 pounds, so that's how much two people paid for me to
plug their phones in today. I should offer a special sideline service:
for 50 quid, I'll come to your place and plug your phone in.
attempting to use technology is never going to be completely routine.
I do have a Public Service Announcement:
Things That Are Not Battery Problems:
- the touchscreen is shattered
- some of the buttons don't work
- there's an echo during a call
- texts sometimes fail to send
Things That Are Battery Problems:
- the battery
Speaking of batteries, if yours starts overheating and swelling up,
'software upgrade requested' is just not going to be sufficient.
I also got the most helpful, useful ticket ever today, though, so
kudos to the customer or retail worker who wrote it:
"water damage"
Why, yes. You are absolutely correct. I was able to very quickly
confirm that your phone is now a stylish paperweight and move on to
the next, and I do appreciate that.
I did also get an amusing error today. Someone's phone software got
corrupted, and was giving some very peculiar readings for the battery;
they noticed that the phone thought the battery had no charge but kept
working fine. Going into the readings, I noticed that the phone was
also reporting the battery temperature as -97 C.
This led to Daniel arguing "but what if the phone is right? I think we
should be concerned...", while Laslo wanted to know whether there is a
new Ice Age or whether the phone might be from the last one, as it
*was* an older model.
Oh, and today's phones that were 'fixed' by plugging them into the
charger for ten minutes: 2. Apparently the 'software update' option
costs about 20-25 pounds, so that's how much two people paid for me to
plug their phones in today. I should offer a special sideline service:
for 50 quid, I'll come to your place and plug your phone in.
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Liquid, it's Bad
I was chatting with some of the other techs about liquid damage - one
of them was telling a story about a customer who admitted he'd fallen
into the sea, and when he checked the phone, there was just a tiny bit
of corrosion on one component, talk about luck. So I wanted to know
what was causing the massive entire-board-looks-fuzzy corrosion on
some phones.
"Steam." they said. "Gets everywhere in the phone."
"Eh? How do you...?" I asked in confusion.
"People take their phones into the bathroom. While they shower." they
said in wise disgust.
"They what." I reply, my opinion of the average IQ dropping.
Then Laslo started into a story about having bought his girlfriend a
new iphone, and coming home to find her singing in the steam-filled
shower with the phone playing music on the toilet tank. It was only a
month old! he informed us, with appropriate gestures. He did a very
comic version of his reaction - "THIS WAS FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS!!!",
miming shaking the phone in the air "...get out." They are still
together, so one assumes he eventually forgave her and she hasn't done
it again.
Steam + Phones = BADBADBAD
Then I heard the story about the customer who'd put his phone into the
microwave...
of them was telling a story about a customer who admitted he'd fallen
into the sea, and when he checked the phone, there was just a tiny bit
of corrosion on one component, talk about luck. So I wanted to know
what was causing the massive entire-board-looks-fuzzy corrosion on
some phones.
"Steam." they said. "Gets everywhere in the phone."
"Eh? How do you...?" I asked in confusion.
"People take their phones into the bathroom. While they shower." they
said in wise disgust.
"They what." I reply, my opinion of the average IQ dropping.
Then Laslo started into a story about having bought his girlfriend a
new iphone, and coming home to find her singing in the steam-filled
shower with the phone playing music on the toilet tank. It was only a
month old! he informed us, with appropriate gestures. He did a very
comic version of his reaction - "THIS WAS FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS!!!",
miming shaking the phone in the air "...get out." They are still
together, so one assumes he eventually forgave her and she hasn't done
it again.
Steam + Phones = BADBADBAD
Then I heard the story about the customer who'd put his phone into the
microwave...
Friday, 24 February 2012
Some Open Letters
So today my supervisor asked, "Hey, would you like to earn some
brownie points before you put in a holiday request, and also make up
for that sick day you had to take this week?". Well, not exactly in
those words. He put it "Who wants overtime tomorrow?", but that's what
it meant.
I have also had a few interesting tickets over the last week or so.
"Phone does this and that and this is wrong and software is wrong and looked on internet and this is a known problem with these phones and customer is not happy."
Dear Not Happy: You might want to try a therapist or a prostitute for that last one - we just fix phones here. PS, you forgot to mention the massive liquid damage.
"want software update"
Dear Yeah Right: So you just woke up and decided this was a good day to send your phone in for an update? Ironically, you've now convinced me there is definitely something wrong with this phone... Aha. "Too many password attempts" - locked ourselves out, have we? If you press the right three keys at the same time, you can unlock it; we charge through the nose for knowing which keys, sorry. But hey, you also get an update!
"When ending call handset drops signal and handset"
Dear From Mars: If you lose the signal when you end the call, that's how it's supposed to work. If the handset flings itself on the floor, that isn't. I have no option for 'communication error' in our ticket system.
PS, phone worked flawlessly for me.
"display looks like there's a giant crack in the LCD, no physical damage"
Dear Nice Try: That's because there is a giant crack in the LCD, so I'm going to have to disagree with you about the physical damage.
I have also had a few interesting tickets over the last week or so.
"Phone does this and that and this is wrong and software is wrong and looked on internet and this is a known problem with these phones and customer is not happy."
Dear Not Happy: You might want to try a therapist or a prostitute for that last one - we just fix phones here. PS, you forgot to mention the massive liquid damage.
"want software update"
Dear Yeah Right: So you just woke up and decided this was a good day to send your phone in for an update? Ironically, you've now convinced me there is definitely something wrong with this phone... Aha. "Too many password attempts" - locked ourselves out, have we? If you press the right three keys at the same time, you can unlock it; we charge through the nose for knowing which keys, sorry. But hey, you also get an update!
"When ending call handset drops signal and handset"
Dear From Mars: If you lose the signal when you end the call, that's how it's supposed to work. If the handset flings itself on the floor, that isn't. I have no option for 'communication error' in our ticket system.
PS, phone worked flawlessly for me.
"display looks like there's a giant crack in the LCD, no physical damage"
Dear Nice Try: That's because there is a giant crack in the LCD, so I'm going to have to disagree with you about the physical damage.
Saturday, 11 February 2012
Just Don't
I got my first one today.
I got the phone. I hit the button to summon the BER checker.
The BER checker asked "What is wrong with this phone?"
"It has liquid damage." I said.
"Where?" he asked.
"I didn't check." I said. "It smells like piss."
"I am not checking either." he said. "Authorized as BER."
The next step is that a nice call center person will call the customer
up. "You can piss on your phone if you really want to" they will say
"but don't send it to us afterward. We aren't paid enough. Now would
you like to pay the postage to have your expensive, stinky paperweight
mailed back, or not?"
I got the phone. I hit the button to summon the BER checker.
The BER checker asked "What is wrong with this phone?"
"It has liquid damage." I said.
"Where?" he asked.
"I didn't check." I said. "It smells like piss."
"I am not checking either." he said. "Authorized as BER."
The next step is that a nice call center person will call the customer
up. "You can piss on your phone if you really want to" they will say
"but don't send it to us afterward. We aren't paid enough. Now would
you like to pay the postage to have your expensive, stinky paperweight
mailed back, or not?"
Friday, 10 February 2012
Guide to Phone Repair Job Notes
"Cleaned main PBA, updated software, [X] functioning correctly"
means
"It was working correctly when I got it, but maybe if I pretend I did something technical you'll go away."
"Software update requested"
means
"The phone is out of warranty if you can't remember your password, but I'm feeling generous today."
"Recommend replacing faulty battery"
means
"Most expensive battery test ever, thanks for the repair money."
[in response to x, y, and z not working]
"Replaced camera"
means
"You don't need to make up extra faults to convince us there's a problem."
[in response to 'power problem']
"Replaced speaker"
means
"The guy at the shop who logged this is an idiot."
"Did factory reset"
means
"The battery charge doesn't last more than a day because you're running 87 apps at once."
"No fault found"
means
"I am unlikely to find the reason that your phone 'shuts off' every 4-5 days in the 20 minutes I will have it. Inspecting the components didn't help, so good luck."
[in response to reception/connection problems]
"Phone is functioning correctly with two test sim cards"
means
"Try leaving your underground bunker for better reception."
means
"It was working correctly when I got it, but maybe if I pretend I did something technical you'll go away."
"Software update requested"
means
"The phone is out of warranty if you can't remember your password, but I'm feeling generous today."
"Recommend replacing faulty battery"
means
"Most expensive battery test ever, thanks for the repair money."
[in response to x, y, and z not working]
"Replaced camera"
means
"You don't need to make up extra faults to convince us there's a problem."
[in response to 'power problem']
"Replaced speaker"
means
"The guy at the shop who logged this is an idiot."
"Did factory reset"
means
"The battery charge doesn't last more than a day because you're running 87 apps at once."
"No fault found"
means
"I am unlikely to find the reason that your phone 'shuts off' every 4-5 days in the 20 minutes I will have it. Inspecting the components didn't help, so good luck."
[in response to reception/connection problems]
"Phone is functioning correctly with two test sim cards"
means
"Try leaving your underground bunker for better reception."
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Training: On the Line (of Fire)
Now, what the new job normally does with trainees (now officially On
The Line this week), they give us the 'refurb' phones. These are the
probably-working phones that get prettied up with new casings and
stuff, tested, and sent on in bulk for resale. They don't have an
actual customer yet, and they don't have an exact timeline, so when
the trainees break a few they can just be repaired again and it's part
of the expected cost of training.
They ran out of those today. They had to give us Real Customer Phones
with Actual Reported Issues. The level three techs must have LOVED
that, I tell you; I bet they really look forward to a few weeks of
answering 'phone won't turn on' with 'put a battery in it' for the new
level 1 techs.
The first thing I discovered is the amazing multiple meanings of
'power problem', regarding a phone. It can mean so many things! For
example:
Power Problem = 'battery is missing'
Power Problem = 'I want a newer model'
Power Problem = 'I only spilled a LITTLE coffee on it'
Power Problem = 'one of the keys doesn't work'
Power Problem = 'you mean I have to charge it?'
Power Problem = 'actually, the touchscreen doesn't work at the bottom
whenever I get both drunk and high'
Then there's the other extreme; some customer included a helpful
little post-it note explaining all the problems in detail with the
phone! I was rather charmed. Unfortunately, it summed up to 'your
phone is so totally hosed, I saw a level three tech drawing a
pentagram around it', but it was still nice to have the note.
There's also a certain model I should recommend, but won't. Opened it
up and the thing was full of grit, also some sticky stuff and some
mysterious stains; but after cleaning and inspecting it, the darn
thing worked! Sturdy as anything, I guess. But also a real job to
disassemble and assemble (you need three sizes of screws WHY?), so
frankly I don't need anyone buying them. Sorry.
Also, we do not pretty up the repair-only phones. If we can make it
function, you're getting it back - dings, scratches, scuffs, duct tape
and all.
The Line this week), they give us the 'refurb' phones. These are the
probably-working phones that get prettied up with new casings and
stuff, tested, and sent on in bulk for resale. They don't have an
actual customer yet, and they don't have an exact timeline, so when
the trainees break a few they can just be repaired again and it's part
of the expected cost of training.
They ran out of those today. They had to give us Real Customer Phones
with Actual Reported Issues. The level three techs must have LOVED
that, I tell you; I bet they really look forward to a few weeks of
answering 'phone won't turn on' with 'put a battery in it' for the new
level 1 techs.
The first thing I discovered is the amazing multiple meanings of
'power problem', regarding a phone. It can mean so many things! For
example:
Power Problem = 'battery is missing'
Power Problem = 'I want a newer model'
Power Problem = 'I only spilled a LITTLE coffee on it'
Power Problem = 'one of the keys doesn't work'
Power Problem = 'you mean I have to charge it?'
Power Problem = 'actually, the touchscreen doesn't work at the bottom
whenever I get both drunk and high'
Then there's the other extreme; some customer included a helpful
little post-it note explaining all the problems in detail with the
phone! I was rather charmed. Unfortunately, it summed up to 'your
phone is so totally hosed, I saw a level three tech drawing a
pentagram around it', but it was still nice to have the note.
There's also a certain model I should recommend, but won't. Opened it
up and the thing was full of grit, also some sticky stuff and some
mysterious stains; but after cleaning and inspecting it, the darn
thing worked! Sturdy as anything, I guess. But also a real job to
disassemble and assemble (you need three sizes of screws WHY?), so
frankly I don't need anyone buying them. Sorry.
Also, we do not pretty up the repair-only phones. If we can make it
function, you're getting it back - dings, scratches, scuffs, duct tape
and all.
Monday, 23 January 2012
Training: Boot Camp
Some people only managed to do three phones all day today. I went and
grabbed my SIXTH...
And it turned out to be the phone of the damned.
I open the package, and the front of the phone is missing, the LCD is
sitting there unconnected and scratched all to heck. I shift it and
look at the rest of the phone, and a few possible system notes occur
to me: 'phone should not be taken on deployment', maybe, or 'this
model should not be connected to explosive devices'. The thing is a
dirty ruin. So I talk to the Brand technical manager; "Just BER it,"
he says, meaning "throw the flipping thing out as Beyond Economical
Repair". But we have a couple of BER checkers, who help keep us
consistent through the 'grey areas' of damage; the BER checker says
maybe the board is still good. "...you figure?" I say, highly
skeptical. "I'll give it a try."
Two and a half hours later, I have:
- had to ask Pawol to solder a new bit onto the board
- kept two parts of the phone, and replaced thirteen (not counting the
seven screws I replaced three times) (and one of the parts I didn't
replace was 'not very good', but non-critical)
- reopened the little fucker three times to make adjustments
- cleaned a pile of grit that could be bits of tobacco or something
off the board
- learned how to clean sticky stuff off a board correctly
- discovered what I SWEAR is dried toothpaste in the mic, and replaced that too
- switched the coaxial cable around so it'd stay connected
...and the damned thing works perfectly now! Last fix of the day.
But I'm pretty sure it was still BER.
grabbed my SIXTH...
And it turned out to be the phone of the damned.
I open the package, and the front of the phone is missing, the LCD is
sitting there unconnected and scratched all to heck. I shift it and
look at the rest of the phone, and a few possible system notes occur
to me: 'phone should not be taken on deployment', maybe, or 'this
model should not be connected to explosive devices'. The thing is a
dirty ruin. So I talk to the Brand technical manager; "Just BER it,"
he says, meaning "throw the flipping thing out as Beyond Economical
Repair". But we have a couple of BER checkers, who help keep us
consistent through the 'grey areas' of damage; the BER checker says
maybe the board is still good. "...you figure?" I say, highly
skeptical. "I'll give it a try."
Two and a half hours later, I have:
- had to ask Pawol to solder a new bit onto the board
- kept two parts of the phone, and replaced thirteen (not counting the
seven screws I replaced three times) (and one of the parts I didn't
replace was 'not very good', but non-critical)
- reopened the little fucker three times to make adjustments
- cleaned a pile of grit that could be bits of tobacco or something
off the board
- learned how to clean sticky stuff off a board correctly
- discovered what I SWEAR is dried toothpaste in the mic, and replaced that too
- switched the coaxial cable around so it'd stay connected
...and the damned thing works perfectly now! Last fix of the day.
But I'm pretty sure it was still BER.
Monday, 16 January 2012
Training
Things I have Learned:
Static electricity is the ROOT OF ALL EVIL WE HATE IT, and it's also
the main reason the lab looks like NASA. I will be working with a
grounding strap on my wrist, foot straps on my shoes, etc.
Someone out there thought it was a good idea to 'fix' their phone by
opening it up and soldering a bare copper wire across the inside. The
trainer has pictures to prove this.
They are very, very, very concerned that we all understand the
intricate details of BER - 'Beyond Economical Repair'. I can pretty
much guess why. They can also identify an out of warranty phone at
fifty paces, in the dark, blindfolded.
By the end of the day we each disassembled and reassembled a Brand -
looks like I'll be trained on Brand phones to start. So now I can use a
torque wrench, always a handy skill.
We have uniforms. They have to be low static electricity and no metal,
but they're a reasonably snappy navy blue, do not look like prison
uniforms, and, it turns out, are the most comfortable uniforms ever
invented. The supplier seriously needs to get into a pajama line.
Static electricity is the ROOT OF ALL EVIL WE HATE IT, and it's also
the main reason the lab looks like NASA. I will be working with a
grounding strap on my wrist, foot straps on my shoes, etc.
Someone out there thought it was a good idea to 'fix' their phone by
opening it up and soldering a bare copper wire across the inside. The
trainer has pictures to prove this.
They are very, very, very concerned that we all understand the
intricate details of BER - 'Beyond Economical Repair'. I can pretty
much guess why. They can also identify an out of warranty phone at
fifty paces, in the dark, blindfolded.
By the end of the day we each disassembled and reassembled a Brand -
looks like I'll be trained on Brand phones to start. So now I can use a
torque wrench, always a handy skill.
We have uniforms. They have to be low static electricity and no metal,
but they're a reasonably snappy navy blue, do not look like prison
uniforms, and, it turns out, are the most comfortable uniforms ever
invented. The supplier seriously needs to get into a pajama line.
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