More Open Letters

Dear retail monkey/call centre monkey who sent us a phone with an
exact description of the proximity sensor function as a 'fault':
Someday, I will find you.

Dear Moneybags:
Now that the shiny new Brand Shinyphone is out, having launched on
May 29 in Europe, we have been anticipating seeing it show up for
repairs. What I did not anticipate was that my first repair would
be liquid damage. You'll be paying for this phone for the next two
years, and you broke it in just over a month? Seriously? If you just
wanted to piss away 500 pounds, you could have given it to me. I
would have taken care of a shiny toy like that.

Dear Mic Not Working:
If you seriously managed to turn on and use that lump of rust and
corrosion, and the only thing you found wrong was the mic, you need to
talk to the Catholic church instead of us - they're the ones that
handle miracles. Seriously, I couldn't even see half the components on
the main board under the corrosion.

Dear Pigpen:
We were all very, very impressed that you managed to jam up your usb
port with dirt and lint so completely that it's level with the phone
case. Laszlo showed us all what you managed to do. But didn't it occur
to you that not being able to put a charger in there might somehow
relate to the phone not charging?

Dear 'I sent the phone to Store, and now I'm sending it to Brand':
Yeah, those are both us. Welcome back.

Dear App-Happy:
The current top three app-downloaders are 49 additional apps in third
place, 53 additional apps in 2nd place, and 183 additional apps in
first - the 40ish apps that come with the phone aren't counted in
these totals. Yes, if you've downloaded anything over 40 additional
apps, I'm going to a) wipe them and b) tell you that's why your phone
is 'running slow'. At least on most models; I will reserve judgement
on the quad-core Shinyphone until I see how it likes all your Joke of the Day
crap.