Training: On the Line (of Fire)

Now, what the new job normally does with trainees (now officially On
The Line this week), they give us the 'refurb' phones. These are the
probably-working phones that get prettied up with new casings and
stuff, tested, and sent on in bulk for resale. They don't have an
actual customer yet, and they don't have an exact timeline, so when
the trainees break a few they can just be repaired again and it's part
of the expected cost of training.

They ran out of those today. They had to give us Real Customer Phones
with Actual Reported Issues. The level three techs must have LOVED
that, I tell you; I bet they really look forward to a few weeks of
answering 'phone won't turn on' with 'put a battery in it' for the new
level 1 techs.

The first thing I discovered is the amazing multiple meanings of
'power problem', regarding a phone. It can mean so many things! For
example:

Power Problem = 'battery is missing'
Power Problem = 'I want a newer model'
Power Problem = 'I only spilled a LITTLE coffee on it'
Power Problem = 'one of the keys doesn't work'
Power Problem = 'you mean I have to charge it?'
Power Problem = 'actually, the touchscreen doesn't work at the bottom
whenever I get both drunk and high'

Then there's the other extreme; some customer included a helpful
little post-it note explaining all the problems in detail with the
phone! I was rather charmed. Unfortunately, it summed up to 'your
phone is so totally hosed, I saw a level three tech drawing a
pentagram around it', but it was still nice to have the note.

There's also a certain model I should recommend, but won't. Opened it
up and the thing was full of grit, also some sticky stuff and some
mysterious stains; but after cleaning and inspecting it, the darn
thing worked! Sturdy as anything, I guess. But also a real job to
disassemble and assemble (you need three sizes of screws WHY?), so
frankly I don't need anyone buying them. Sorry.

Also, we do not pretty up the repair-only phones. If we can make it
function, you're getting it back - dings, scratches, scuffs, duct tape
and all.

Training: Boot Camp

Some people only managed to do three phones all day today. I went and
grabbed my SIXTH...

And it turned out to be the phone of the damned.

I open the package, and the front of the phone is missing, the LCD is
sitting there unconnected and scratched all to heck. I shift it and
look at the rest of the phone, and a few possible system notes occur
to me: 'phone should not be taken on deployment', maybe, or 'this
model should not be connected to explosive devices'. The thing is a
dirty ruin. So I talk to the Brand technical manager; "Just BER it,"
he says, meaning "throw the flipping thing out as Beyond Economical
Repair". But we have a couple of BER checkers, who help keep us
consistent through the 'grey areas' of damage; the BER checker says
maybe the board is still good. "...you figure?" I say, highly
skeptical. "I'll give it a try."

Two and a half hours later, I have:
- had to ask Pawol to solder a new bit onto the board
- kept two parts of the phone, and replaced thirteen (not counting the
seven screws I replaced three times) (and one of the parts I didn't
replace was 'not very good', but non-critical)
- reopened the little fucker three times to make adjustments
- cleaned a pile of grit that could be bits of tobacco or something
off the board
- learned how to clean sticky stuff off a board correctly
- discovered what I SWEAR is dried toothpaste in the mic, and replaced that too
- switched the coaxial cable around so it'd stay connected

...and the damned thing works perfectly now! Last fix of the day.

But I'm pretty sure it was still BER.

Training

Things I have Learned:

Static electricity is the ROOT OF ALL EVIL WE HATE IT, and it's also
the main reason the lab looks like NASA. I will be working with a
grounding strap on my wrist, foot straps on my shoes, etc.

Someone out there thought it was a good idea to 'fix' their phone by
opening it up and soldering a bare copper wire across the inside. The
trainer has pictures to prove this.

They are very, very, very concerned that we all understand the
intricate details of BER - 'Beyond Economical Repair'. I can pretty
much guess why. They can also identify an out of warranty phone at
fifty paces, in the dark, blindfolded.

By the end of the day we each disassembled and reassembled a Brand -
looks like I'll be trained on Brand phones to start. So now I can use a
torque wrench, always a handy skill.

We have uniforms. They have to be low static electricity and no metal,
but they're a reasonably snappy navy blue, do not look like prison
uniforms, and, it turns out, are the most comfortable uniforms ever
invented. The supplier seriously needs to get into a pajama line.