Some Open Letters

So today my supervisor asked, "Hey, would you like to earn some brownie points before you put in a holiday request, and also make up for that sick day you had to take this week?". Well, not exactly in those words. He put it "Who wants overtime tomorrow?", but that's what it meant.

I have also had a few interesting tickets over the last week or so.

"Phone does this and that and this is wrong and software is wrong and looked on internet and this is a known problem with these phones and customer is not happy."

Dear Not Happy: You might want to try a therapist or a prostitute for that last one - we just fix phones here. PS, you forgot to mention the massive liquid damage.

"want software update"

Dear Yeah Right: So you just woke up and decided this was a good day to send your phone in for an update? Ironically, you've now convinced me there is definitely something wrong with this phone... Aha. "Too many password attempts" - locked ourselves out, have we? If you press the right three keys at the same time, you can unlock it; we charge through the nose for knowing which keys, sorry. But hey, you also get an update!

 "When ending call handset drops signal and handset"

Dear From Mars: If you lose the signal when you end the call, that's how it's supposed to work. If the handset flings itself on the floor, that isn't. I have no option for 'communication error' in our ticket system.
PS, phone worked flawlessly for me.

"display looks like there's a giant crack in the LCD, no physical damage"

Dear Nice Try: That's because there is a giant crack in the LCD, so I'm going to have to disagree with you about the physical damage.

Just Don't

I got my first one today.

I got the phone. I hit the button to summon the BER checker.

The BER checker asked "What is wrong with this phone?"

"It has liquid damage." I said.

"Where?" he asked.

"I didn't check." I said. "It smells like piss."

"I am not checking either." he said. "Authorized as BER."

The next step is that a nice call center person will call the customer
up. "You can piss on your phone if you really want to" they will say
"but don't send it to us afterward. We aren't paid enough. Now would
you like to pay the postage to have your expensive, stinky paperweight
mailed back, or not?"

Guide to Phone Repair Job Notes

"Cleaned main PBA, updated software, [X] functioning correctly"
means
"It was working correctly when I got it, but maybe if I pretend I did something technical you'll go away."

"Software update requested"
means
"The phone is out of warranty if you can't remember your password, but I'm feeling generous today."

"Recommend replacing faulty battery"
means
"Most expensive battery test ever, thanks for the repair money."

[in response to x, y, and z not working]
"Replaced camera"
means
"You don't need to make up extra faults to convince us there's a problem."

[in response to 'power problem']
"Replaced speaker"
means
"The guy at the shop who logged this is an idiot."

"Did factory reset"
means
"The battery charge doesn't last more than a day because you're running 87 apps at once."

"No fault found"
means
"I am unlikely to find the reason that your phone 'shuts off' every 4-5 days in the 20 minutes I will have it. Inspecting the components didn't help, so good luck."

[in response to reception/connection problems]
"Phone is functioning correctly with two test sim cards"
means
"Try leaving your underground bunker for better reception."