Oh, Customers

These are all ACTUAL TICKETS. I brought them home with me in order to
capture the, er, full flavour and nuance of the tech experience.

"While on charge smoke started to come out of the top and the phone
was very hot. We took it appart and the battery was too hot to touch.
It has not worked since."

A) No crap, it hasn't worked since. I knew that part by the word 'smoke'.
B) You thought this phone could be repaired?
C) You thought this phone would be an IN WARRANTY repair?
Seriously? You used some cheap knockoff charger after clogging your
phone up with dust, and it started a fire. Being on fire is not good
for phones, okay?
Luckily, by 'took it apart' you meant 'took off the battery cover';
well, normally this would be a crucial, warranty-deciding sort of
distinction, but I guess in this case you can do whatever you want
now.

"Phone Displayes battery over voltage charging cancelled when not
plugged in. Battery indicator flashes randomly also."

Luckily, this is a known and familiar issue. The error message you
just garbled is "Charging stopped: voltage too high" and it appears
randomly. If I hadn't known about it already, your ticket sure
wouldn't have helped. Replaced yer broken thingamajig in the phone and
all is well.

And this last one, from an angry scrawl on a second paper, complete
with CAPS OF RAGE and underlining:
"This phone is complete crap. It has been protected, not dropped and
is still a complete cow. I have lost ALL my data because it wont
connect to my computer. The battery is now completely knackered as the
phone thinks it has been on charge + connected to a usb port for the
last two weeks. Utter utter crap. Please replace."

Let's break this down. a) the phone won't connect to a computer; b)
the phone is showing a usb connection when there isn't one. Using my
incredible and vast technical knowledge, it appears that this phone
only has one problem, and that is the usb connector.

Specifically, the dust in the usb connector. Because the phone worked
normally as soon as I blew a little air in there. You'd think with all
that huffing and puffing, the customer would've been able to do that
too...

PS, battery was tested at 100%, so it's a bit tougher than you thought.