Pointlessness

So, we're on this special project, 16 boxes of the same model of XYZ
phone to all be done yesterday, yadda yadda.

But Stores didn't get the memo. They ran out of parts today. Not all
of them, just the most essential ones, of course.

And they didn't really know what else to do with us except keep giving
us these phones...

So my usual pattern is, do about 25 phones in a shift, repair about 20
of them, the others are unrepairable or have a tiny invisible speck of
dust somewhere (omg, QA, how many customers are actually going to
examine the screen with a microscope).

Today, I did 38 phones, repaired 6 of them, all the others went to
'awaiting parts' status. I had this rhythm going - 'can I fix you? No?
FUCK YOU. Can I fix you?...' etc.

Also, this phone's software was coded by monkeys on drugs. And not the
smart monkeys either, the ones flinging poo. This is clearly
demonstrated by the fact that an official software update using the
official procedure sometimes BREAKS THE PHONE - main pba (motherboard
and all components) gets mailed back to XYZ as unusable. Now, people
dislike most of the big software companies, but very few of them have
a problem where sometimes it destroys the CPU if you update, so
y'know, credit where it's due?

We have a 'flash bench' that updates all phones after we fix them. I
am good and tired of them breaking the few phones I manage to send
along!

Poor Simon only managed to repair one phone today, hope flash didn't break it.

Anyway, it was a 'laugh or cry' day, so we gave up and started testing
the phones' game-playing ability more thoroughly toward the end of the
day. You gotta be sure it all works, you know.

More Phones to Break

I got in to work today to the surprise news that five of us were going
straight to training in XYZ phones, for a special project - 16 boxes
of the things to be repaired and refurbed ASAP, expected to take 4-5
days, for mobile provider Orange.

There's a reason you probably don't recognize the XYZ brand. These are
the knockoff phones from China. They're cheap, reasonably sturdy for
the price; the software is crap and they need to fire their English
translators. There are four workstations normally dedicated to XYZ
phones, on the 'mixed' line, compared to 20-55 techs with room for
about 5 more on the usual line. (For this temporary project, we're
working from our usual workstations and just running over to the XYZ
area to software update.)

Oddly enough, Orange has re-named all the phones. So the XYZ Atlas is
the Sydney when it's sold to Orange. I guess a company like Orange
obviously has very high standards when it comes to names.

Interestingly, there is no level 3 for XYZ. We're it. They gave us all
level-3 logins so we can exchange the main boards in the phones if
needed; I could feel the rush of pure power.

Batteries do What?

Work is becoming more routine, but anything involving the public
attempting to use technology is never going to be completely routine.
I do have a Public Service Announcement:

Things That Are Not Battery Problems:

- the touchscreen is shattered
- some of the buttons don't work
- there's an echo during a call
- texts sometimes fail to send

Things That Are Battery Problems:

- the battery

Speaking of batteries, if yours starts overheating and swelling up,
'software upgrade requested' is just not going to be sufficient.

I also got the most helpful, useful ticket ever today, though, so
kudos to the customer or retail worker who wrote it:
"water damage"
Why, yes. You are absolutely correct. I was able to very quickly
confirm that your phone is now a stylish paperweight and move on to
the next, and I do appreciate that.

 I did also get an amusing error today. Someone's phone software got
corrupted, and was giving some very peculiar readings for the battery;
they noticed that the phone thought the battery had no charge but kept
working fine. Going into the readings, I noticed that the phone was
also reporting the battery temperature as -97 C.

This led to Daniel arguing "but what if the phone is right? I think we
should be concerned...", while Laslo wanted to know whether there is a
new Ice Age or whether the phone might be from the last one, as it
*was* an older model.

Oh, and today's phones that were 'fixed' by plugging them into the
charger for ten minutes: 2. Apparently the 'software update' option
costs about 20-25 pounds, so that's how much two people paid for me to
plug their phones in today. I should offer a special sideline service:
for 50 quid, I'll come to your place and plug your phone in.

Liquid, it's Bad

I was chatting with some of the other techs about liquid damage - one
of them was telling a story about a customer who admitted he'd fallen
into the sea, and when he checked the phone, there was just a tiny bit
of corrosion on one component, talk about luck. So I wanted to know
what was causing the massive entire-board-looks-fuzzy corrosion on
some phones.

"Steam." they said. "Gets everywhere in the phone."
"Eh? How do you...?" I asked in confusion.
"People take their phones into the bathroom. While they shower." they
said in wise disgust.
"They what." I reply, my opinion of the average IQ dropping.

Then Laslo started into a story about having bought his girlfriend a
new iphone, and coming home to find her singing in the steam-filled
shower with the phone playing music on the toilet tank. It was only a
month old! he informed us, with appropriate gestures. He did a very
comic version of his reaction - "THIS WAS FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS!!!",
miming shaking the phone in the air "...get out." They are still
together, so one assumes he eventually forgave her and she hasn't done
it again.

Steam + Phones = BADBADBAD

Then I heard the story about the customer who'd put his phone into the
microwave...