You What?

So, I'm doing NFF phones. The first engineer to check them didn't find anything wrong, we've checked with the customer again to see if they can clear things up, I have the phone to check again with notes from everyone.

First note: the person on the other end of the phone can't hear the customer, but hears noises like people ordering taxis
Second note: found nothing wrong
Third note: customer says it sounds like a taxi office when they're trying to talk on their phone, and it's even happening with the loan phone they got from the shop, it's a permanent fault

...

Really?

To clear this up, I just need to ask a few questions.

1. Are you standing in a taxi office?

2. Are you using a bluetooth headset?

3. ... Near a taxi office?

4. Are you on any medications at this time?

PS, Your phone is not so broken that it even broke another phone long-distance. It's not.

I Like to Help

"not response from screen, possibly faulty digitizer"

I guess, but it might also be the liquid damage all over the inside of your phone, too.
PS. Calling the touchscreen by the more technical name digitizer didn't help at all, did it?

"Reading that memory card is damaged, gives option to format it, but will not do it. Re-formatted it through laptop but phone still reads as damaged SD card when its not."

I'm afraid stomping your feet and declaring that your SD card is fine did not work. Hint: the problem is not the phone. It liked all my SD cards just fine.

"the phone does off with an alarm sound, when the customer doesnt have any preset alarms"

For this special case, I jotted down and here repeat the case notes that I put into the system for this phone:
Three alarms were set on the phone. One, "Alarm", was set for 16:59 on Tuesday, occurring once, and was inactive. The second, "Alarm", was set for 09:00 on Friday, repeating weekly, and was active. The third, "get up u lazy gitt", was set for 06:50 on all weekdays, repeating, and was active. Alarms have been removed.

Mind: Blown

"software problems, switches off, backlight does not respond and does
not hold a charge"

You downloaded 75 extra apps. 75. This catapults you into our new
second place in the app-happy olympics.
As soon as I wiped them, all your problems disappeared.

"Phone constantly overheating to the point it warps sim card, most
recent occurance has caused the screen to black out and become
unresponsive"

Um, wow. So... just so I have this straight, how many times did your
sim card start MELTING before you thought maybe you should get that
looked at?

Speaking of melting, the last two days at work it has hit 32 degrees C
by 11am... and then kept getting hotter. The general discontent about
this is starting to reach riot proportions, even though they're
letting us take the white coats off and the shift managers are
squabbling and stealing fans from each other for their groups.

Break Dancin'

It's hard to leave work, these days.

What with managers clinging to your ankles crying about 'just one more
hour of overtime, pleeease'.

Apparently this is National Break Your Phone month, and nobody told
me; we are awash in cracked touchscreens, dented cases, things jammed
into charger ports, and the ever-popular liquid damage. Also one case
of a phone absolutely filled with nutmeg; I don't even want to know.

I want to fix people's phones; I want to help; it looks good on my
repair statistics. If only people would work with me, here, and try
not to drop their phone into their tea (confessed), into their soup
(confessed), or into a puddle (confessed). Or completely soak the drat
thing and try to get away with it; here's a tip, if the screws are
rusty I don't even attempt to turn the phone on, I just open 'er up
for a picture of the damage.

More Open Letters

Dear retail monkey/call centre monkey who sent us a phone with an
exact description of the proximity sensor function as a 'fault':
Someday, I will find you.

Dear Moneybags:
Now that the shiny new Brand Shinyphone is out, having launched on
May 29 in Europe, we have been anticipating seeing it show up for
repairs. What I did not anticipate was that my first repair would
be liquid damage. You'll be paying for this phone for the next two
years, and you broke it in just over a month? Seriously? If you just
wanted to piss away 500 pounds, you could have given it to me. I
would have taken care of a shiny toy like that.

Dear Mic Not Working:
If you seriously managed to turn on and use that lump of rust and
corrosion, and the only thing you found wrong was the mic, you need to
talk to the Catholic church instead of us - they're the ones that
handle miracles. Seriously, I couldn't even see half the components on
the main board under the corrosion.

Dear Pigpen:
We were all very, very impressed that you managed to jam up your usb
port with dirt and lint so completely that it's level with the phone
case. Laszlo showed us all what you managed to do. But didn't it occur
to you that not being able to put a charger in there might somehow
relate to the phone not charging?

Dear 'I sent the phone to Store, and now I'm sending it to Brand':
Yeah, those are both us. Welcome back.

Dear App-Happy:
The current top three app-downloaders are 49 additional apps in third
place, 53 additional apps in 2nd place, and 183 additional apps in
first - the 40ish apps that come with the phone aren't counted in
these totals. Yes, if you've downloaded anything over 40 additional
apps, I'm going to a) wipe them and b) tell you that's why your phone
is 'running slow'. At least on most models; I will reserve judgement
on the quad-core Shinyphone until I see how it likes all your Joke of the Day
crap.