We Can't Win

When I call someone up (with an 'Evil Empire courier' list), I have one goal and one plan: arrange for their possibly-broken phone or tablet to travel from THEM to US. If they want anything else whatsoever, I can give them someone else's number to call.

This is too complicated for some people.

Or maybe they're just lonely.

One guy treated me to about 8 minutes of how he would like the world, the repair process, the Evil Empire, etc, to work, but didn't ever get down to the specifics of what he would like me (or anyone) to actually do. So I said 'mm hmm' and did nothing.

One lady wanted us 'to actually fix her phone'. From the records, it's been sent in four times: no fault found no charger sent, no fault found no charger sent, no fault found charger is broken recommend she replace it, no fault found CHARGER IS BROKEN TELL HER TO REPLACE IT. So in a tone of tender concern (I hope), I tell her that we can absolutely look at every single part under a 10x microscope again, no problem, but I see in the notes that her charger is definitely faulty, I do apologize if they didn't pass that on clearly...?
She sent it back in. The engineer is going to be fantasising about stabbing her with the soldering iron, I suspect.

A Tale from the Phones

So, having gone to the dark side and traded in my torque driver for a headset, I may not have more stories for this blog.

Then again...

About 3% of the jobs which are booked in are cancelled before being collected because 'oops, it is charging now'.

About .5% to 1% of the jobs which are booked in are never collected because the only contact number we have is... the broken handset's number.

So for now, stay tuned.

Tales Among Techs

I heard this story from Tomasz, who heard it from a friend of his on the night shift. These are the things we talk about while we work.

Apparently this night tech got a phone sent in with the problem that the game Angry Birds wasn't on the phone; the customer had seen an advertisment on TV for the game and wanted to know why they didn't have it.

I don't know how the tech made "because you didn't buy and download it" sound professional for the ticket system. I don't envy them.

Bulletin from the Department of Duh

Android phones let you change your screen timeout - the length of time before your screen goes black and locks and you need to press the button to wake it back up.

It turns out that setting your screen timeout to 1 second is not a good idea.

You may find that there is very little you can do with a smartphone in 1 second or less.

And your repair technician may nearly hurt herself laughing so hard.

Tin Hat Time

Fault Description: handset has possibile firm/spyware virus needs to be completely wiped and possible IMEI swap, when handset has been connected to a laptop and wifi services they have crashed.

1. There is no Android virus (code that inserts itself into another programme or data). There are Android trojans (code that doesn't do what it says it does), though.

2. What the hell does your IMEI have to do with it?

3. YOU HAVEN'T DOWNLOADED ANYTHING. I CHECKED. NOTHING. NO APPS. NO CAT PICTURES. YOU HAVEN'T. DOWNLOADED. ANYTHING.

4. I couldn't actually find anything wrong with the handset. I'm not saying you're complete crap with computers, but our computers and wifi didn't crash.



Final diagnosis: I think there's a loose nut behind the keyboard.

A Good Customer!

Every day, I get phones where the customer didn't bother sending the battery (when they're complaining about short battery life), phones where the customer sent a fake knockoff battery, phones where the customer sent a battery swollen into a balloon, phones where the customer sent a battery from a different model, if not a different manufacturer.

But today, I got a customer with power problems who sent in two batteries: a gen-u-ine battery from 2009, and a gen-u-ine battery from 2010, both in good shape except that they no longer work.

Bless your little cotton socks.

Sadly, both batteries are long out of warranty. But the Battery Fairy magically transformed them into one 2011 working battery. The Battery Fairy does not charge for this. The Battery Fairy only appears for customers who are both nice and lucky.

Frankenphone

Nevermind what they said was wrong with this phone; what wasn't?

I open it up, and one of the screws is the wrong screw. Okay.

And inside the rear case, the antenna module doesn't quite fit: it's from a similar model of phone.

And the volume key is the wrong one - the main board has four soldering connections, the volume key has three.

And the screen IS from the right model, but has clearly been replaced.

And there are a few extra bits of solder where there oughtn't be extra bits of solder. (There should never be extra bits of solder.)

At this point I checked the ticket just to make sure the customer details didn't say Dr. Frankenstein.

Then I BER'ed the thing for 'unauthorized rework', because there is no 'are you out of your tiny mind' option in the BER menu.

Hyenas Don't Learn

Fault: touchscreen not responding

My notes: One side of the case is not assembled correctly. One screw is missing and all of the others show damage. The volume key has been ripped off the main pcb. The touchscreen connector has been broken. The top right corner of the main pcb has a crack in it, which is unrepairable.

Is ripping the volume key apart some kind of signature, like a mobile phone serial killer? That's three now. I'd better go find the phone that pocket-dials the cops.

Oddly enough, this customer did not reject a quote from us: this is the first time we've seen this phone. Apparently they figured if they were going to send it in for repair, they'd make damn sure it was good and broken first?

Tickets of the Day

Note: handset replaced, previous handset had same fault
Fault: Cx not happy with battery life - only lasts for 4 days.

...sounds like a manufacturer issue. I'd report it to them, but I'm pretty sure they already know. Let me check for a service bulletin... manufacturer: all, model: all current models...

You dip.

Fault: The screen is broken. Too sensitive. it unlocks in pocket and pocket dialed the police accidentally without the customer knowing

a) touching the screen doesn't unlock the phone
b) yes, they are complaining that their phone works too well
c) I bet the police nearly bust a gut laughing at you

Location, location, location

Today I discovered that my line managers just don't want to let me properly test the phones!

From shop Telefonica, Tottenham Court Road, London.
Fault Description: keeps turning itself off in a particular location and won't turn back on - usually train/tube station and place of work

I asked to go down to London for the day to test this out, but they said no!

I don't know where the place of work is, but I was willing to try as many bars, clubs, and theatres as it takes in case one of them was it.

I just care about customer service.

This.

Do not do this.

Busted!

Pro Tip: If you are pretending that you don't know that your phone is liquid damaged, then remember to remove all the rice before you send it to the repair centre.

We know exactly what grains of rice stuck to your phone mean.

The Other Way of Fixing

So, Paul the line manager called us all over to a corner, looking stressed.

This is not a good sign.

"Don't panic," he says, "but I've just run the first report, and we have about 70 phones over TAT (Turn Around Time, our version of a deadline) - and that's only one network provider."

"Wasn't me!" says someone.

"No, it's not you guys, it's not me - something happened on the night or early shift and we don't know whose fault it is, but we have to get these done and out the door fast..." Paul starts explaining.

"The night shift!" says someone.

"They're not to blame either," Paul continues.

"Was it Gosia's fault?" says someone who knows this place well.

"... I'm not saying anything." says Paul, and authorizes us indirectly to switch to another mode of working.

Git 'Er Done Mode.

We all develop x-ray vision, and can see from one side of a main board whether there is damage to the other side; we time-travel, and phones are sent along as repaired before the new screws have arrived for them; our psychic powers kick in and start diagnosing the phones before even removing them from their bags.

The method switches from 'run through the tests to be sure there are no other faults before you fix the phone, run through them again after the fix to be sure you didn't miss something, then QA will double check' to 'eh, QA will find it'.

Our confidence soars; suddenly we don't need to use the battery tester or Willtek machine 'to make sure' anymore.

None of the management has anything to say about this, although the technical manager does seem to find it easier to work turned away so he can't see us at it.

Post-Holiday

I expected the lull over the holidays, as shops and service providers close and stop filtering phones through to us for a few days.

I expected the influx of brand-new phones from people who don't know how to use them yet, possibly with bits of wrapping paper still clinging to them (not yet, but we've come close).

What I didn't fully expect was the rush of disgruntled, didn't-get-a-new-phone customers who really wanted a new phone and are going to Plan B, claim theirs is broken.

More than half the phones I'm seeing are No Fault Found, this week, and if you count phones where the customer has wildly exaggerated the phone's faults, that pushes it up to most of them. I feel as though I'm actually disappointing a customer every time I repair a phone, because we all know they don't want this phone, they want an excuse to get a shinier phone. I am just delivering the bad news that no, the Evil Empire is not paying for it.